Lolita: Sesshomaru and Rin
by idontwannapopuponsearchengines
Summary: Sesshomaru fell in love with Kagura when they were both children; since she died, he's been obsessed with the type of girl he remembered her as-a "nymphet". He tries to rid himself of his addiction but one "nymphet" came along and made it impossible: Rin.
1. Foreword

**For those of you familiar with this classic...**

Sesshomaru-Humbert Humbert

Rin-Dolores "Lolita" Haze

Naraku-Clare Quilty

Sara-Charlotte Haze

Kagura-Annabel Leigh

Kagome-Valeria

Sango-Jean Farlow

Miroku-John Farlow

Kohaku-Dick Schiller

Kikyo-Rita

Shippo-Mona

Jaken-Gaston Grodin

Kaede-Mrs. Pratt

Onigumo-Ivor Quilty

Koharu-Monique

Yura-Shirley Holmes

Hakudoshi-Charlie

Kanna-Barbara

Abi-Vivian Darkbloom

Totosai-John (Jack) Windmuller

Myoga-Frederick Beale, Jr.

* * *

Yes, I am writing Sesshomaru/Rin. However, this one will not be like the others. This one will be a much more accurate representation of what such relationships really are.

Several characters will be OOC; in order for anything remotely close to this pairing to happen realistically, it's required. I encourage each and every one of you to think about your own experiences regarding the topics this fic will address. I myself will reveal some things about me that you might not want to know. Be ready.

Sit back and brace yourself.

EDIT:

You will see me address messages I've gotten before. I've been flamed before not for this, but for other fics, and I'm always attacked for my beliefs in general. Also other people who think the same way do often get attacked. That is what I'm addressing.

I'm aware that most people who read this genre do so for healing (re-writing a situation that was violent for them as something that is not can have a sense of healing), and are young girls-that is why my A/Ns are addressed to the VICTIMS, and the young girls who read these and see no problem and go around thinking that it's really okay, and leave themselves wide open and vulnerable. That is what most worries me-I'm aware that most people on this site are young females, and so many of them see zero problem with things that are happening in these fics, and I've even heard some of them say that they WISH someone would come and do that with them and a "boyfriend like that would be so cool".

Also, there actually are a few real pedophiles that read these-I've spoken to a few of them that DO really get off on lolicon fics, and they use that to justify their actions, saying that as long as they're not being violent it is okay.

It is not an "attack" on a lolicon genre, but a deconstruction-a genre of fiction that takes another popular genre and adds a dose of realism to it, like Evangelion did for humongous mecha anime and Narutaru did for the pet-monster genre.


	2. Nymphets

(A/N: Note that Sesshomaru is playing Humbert; he is insane. Very insane. He is not a reliable narrator. He is recalling events from his perspective; but please keep in mind his point of view is not always accurate.)

* * *

There may never have been a Lolita at all if I had never been drawn to a certain pre-teen girl. One word. One name for one girl. Legally, she is Rin; but in my eyes, she is and always will be my Lolita.

I was born with, as some may say, a silver spoon in my mouth; my father owned a successful hotel in Riviera. His father and grandfathers before him had sold wine, jewels, and silk; the family fortune seemed to never run out. My mother died when I was three. I search and search but I can't find a single trace of her memory even in the very depths of my mind;which is something you may not be able to stand.

That is because I am currently writing this in jail.

But before everything, I was just a spoiled, happy, pampered rich kid who everyone adored. My father re-married a woman named Izayoi shortly after mother's passing, and she gave birth to my half-brother Inuyasha.

He grew up an obnoxious troublemaker while I attended the best private schools and got perfect marks. We seldom saw each other, and when we did, we hardly spoke.

Then came Kagura. Her parents were old friends of my father's, and they had rented a villa not far from father's hotel. I hated her parents; and so we often ventured far away to spend time together.

We used to just lay there talking about whatever we could think of; her boldness always made for intriguing conversation. She wanted to be a dancer; back then, I wanted to be a famous spy. And it seems that out of nowhere, we fell in love. Kagura was my first, my last, my everything.

Despite how young we were, we both had immense desire for one another but were under constant surveillance. After many failed escape attempts, we finally made love at night in her private garden because we were allowed to be out of earshot but not out of sight of the populous part.

Kagura had been hiding something from me though; her heart condition. Apparently, it had been giving her trouble since the day she was born; and she was growing weaker and weaker by the day. I didn't know until my father came to inform me that she had passed away. Death had stolen her from me for eternity.

When I visualize Kagura, I see her clearly, whether my eyes are closed or open. I can vivdly make out her jet black hair, her ruby red eyes, and plump red lips. But when I visualize Lolita, I can only see a ghostly replica.

* * *

I know now that in a certain way, Lolita began with Kagura because I broke the spell she had on me by incarnating her in another.

The shock of her death affected me so much that I did not engange in any relationships throughout my entire teenage years. Even after her death, I felt her thoughts floating through mine. Before she died, we would often have the same dreams. If only Rin had loved me the same way.

My youth flew by quickly; in college, I settled with one-night stands and prostitutes. I majored in English and found a job teaching for a school of boys. Now and then, I took advantage of the alliances I had formed throughout the years to visit various institutions such as orphanages and reform schools where I could admire the pre-pubescent girls.

I discovered those creatures called "nymphets".

Between the ages of nine and fourteen there are females who reveal to certain adults that may be twice or three times older than they are, their true nature. Their true nature is not human, but "nymphic".

Not all female children are nymphets. In fact, the number of nymphets in comparison to normal children is strikingly inferior. A normal man asked to point out the prettiest one in a group of girls will not necessarily choose the nymphet among them. You must be artistic to some dregree; insane to some degree; and passionate in order to recognize the little demon among the wholesome children. She herself is completely unaware of her powers.

Furthermore, there must be an age gap of no less than ten years between the man and the girl in order for the man to fall for the nymphet's spell. A nymphet bewitches a man into thrilling at the contrast; she makes a man lustful for the fact that the man is much, much more powerful than the girl.

Back when we were both children, my Kagura was not a nymphet for me because I was her equal; we complemented each other, taught each other, worked together, and we were partners. I was not her dominant that was free to do whatever I chose to with her.

As I grew older, Kagura stayed a child. She haunted me as the same child she was before her death no matter how much older I got.

I'd sit on park benches, admiring the nymphets around me, all while pretending to be immersed in a book. Let them play around me and never grow older.

Unfortunately, I never thought about what became of those nymphets later. I never thought about how what I stole from them affected their future. I had posessed her, and she didn't know it. But that didn't mean she wouldn't find out later.

* * *

"A hundred euros." She replied melodiously with the voice of a very bird when I asked her price.

Her name was Koharu, a hooker I had met who hardly came up to my chest. She had a round, dimpled face with cute little freckles and wore a tight-fitting tailored dress sheathing in pearl-grey her young body she still retained. She had lovely dark hair which she wore in a bun, just like Kagura used to do. A young girl no older than eleven, she echoed nymphic radiance.

I tried to haggle the price with her.

"Ah...too bad." she said, and made as if to move away. I decided to not trouble her with haggling, and she led me up the steep stairs to the abject room.

She asked for her little gift right away. By then, I was pretty familiar with the way of the streetwalkers. They all answer "eighteen" when asked about their age; a lie they tell about ten times a day. Poor things. Ususally they're only adding two or so years to their actual age; but in Koharu's case I knew she was adding much more than that.

She shed her clothes rapidly, and for a moment, stood partly wrapped in the gauze of the window curtain in infantile pleasure. I examined her small hands and noticed her grubby fingernails.

"Yes, they're not very good." She said with a naive frown and headed to the wash-basin.

I stopped her. "It does not matter."

And it truly did not matter. With her luminous brown eyes and ivory skin, she was perfectly charming. In fact, I must admit, that among the eighty or so "cranes" I had with me, she was the only one that gave me even a pang of pleasure.

Next day, I asked for another, more elaborate assignment and we returned to the same room.

"You are very pretty." I commented.

Koharu blushed. "You are very kind to say that." She replied demurely. Then she noticed her reflection in the mirror and asked if she should remove the layer of red from her lips before we lay down in case I planned to kiss her.

Of course I planned to kiss her. I let myself go with her more completely than I had with any young girl before. She looked tremendously pleased with the bonus of fifty I gave her as she trotted out.

"I'm gonna go get myself some stockings!" she exploded with glee.

I had a date with her the next day in my room but it was less successful. She seemed to have grown into a woman overnight. I canceled a fourth assignment because of a cold I had caught from her. I wasn't really sorry to break an emtional series that threatened to burden me with fantasies and then peter out in dull disappointment.

Later, an advertisement in a magazine landed me in an office; the owner of the place offered me to choose from a collection of photographs in a dirty album.

"Look at this beautiful brunette right here!" He said. I pushed the album away and told him exactly what I wanted. At first he looked ready to push me away, but after asking me what price I was willing to pay, he condedcended to put me in touch with someone who could arrange the matter.

The next day, a grotesque, fat woman took me to what was apparently her own house and after kissing the bunched tips of her fat fingers to signify the "quality of her merchandise", theatrically drew aside a curtain to reveal what I judged was that part of the room where a large family usually slept in.

It was now empty save for a monstrously plump girl of at least fifteen with black braids. I shook my head and tried to shuffle out of the place; the woman began removing the dingy woolen jersey from the young girl's torso. When she saw I was still determined to leave, she demanded her money.

A door at the end of the room was opened and two men who had been dining in the kitchen joined in the squabble.

"He used to work for the police!" The angry woman said to me, pointing at one of the men. "You'd better do as you're told!"

I went up to the fifteen year old girl who had been behind the curtain. She was quietly brushing the hair of a porcelain doll. With a surge of pity, I thrust a banknote into her indifferent hand and left.

* * *

Soon after, for my own safety, I decided I should get married. It occured to me that regular hours, home-cooked meals, and all the conventions of marriage along with routine bedroonm activities and maybe the eventual development of certain moral values might help me, if not at least get rid of my dangerous desires.

A little money had come my way after my father's death, and I am a good looking man. I was well aware that at the snap of my fingers, I could have any adult female I wanted.

After considerable deliberation, I settled on the daughter of a Polish doctor who was treating me for spells of dizziness. we would play chess and his daughter would watch me from behind her painting easel.

If I had a taste for flashy ladies, I could've found someone far more fascinating than Kagome; but I was always stupid in the matters of sex.

I told myself I was just looking for a soothing presence, but what really attracted me to Kagome was her childlike nature. Although she was in her late twenties, she had a youthful look to her as if she was still about fifteen or fourteen. Her eyes sparkled like that of an innocent pre-teen girl. Her outlook on life was extremely idealistic like she had been born yesterday. Somehow, well into her twenties, she had attained the nature of an innocent, cheerful, naive pre-teen girl.

In a way, I was still satisfying my desire for nymphets.

* * *

(A/N: Many people don't know this, but I am very familiar with the sex industry and how it works. I know a lot about it.

Sadly, yes, there are girls as young as eleven prostituting themselves like Monique does in the actual novel. And yes, most of them are of the street-walking, heel-clicking types that work independently. This is the most dangerous type there is, and these girls are usually in the most desperate situations.

Others usually work in agencies of sorts, lead usually by a man...a "pimp" if you wanna call it that. Sometimes he gives them a place to live and takes care of them in exchange for working for him, and keeps the girls in one house-which would be the closest thing to a "brothel". But they rarely meet with the customers there since that would be very stupid.

Another arrangement is that the girls actually don't live together, though they do work whithin the same "agency". They are driven to their clients and then back home, and the appointments are set up via phone. There are in-calls and out-calls. An in-call means the client will be driving to wherever the girl is staying. An out-call means the girl will be driving to the client's place. These are "call girls". They usually disguise themselves as being an "escort" agency that only provides dates for men, but I am telling you right now: **THOSE DO NOT EXIST**. The "escort" thing is a way for them to cover up what they're really doing, divert the public and the cops, and to get new girls.

Girls do not enter work knowing what exactly it is. They are-if they're doing the "call girl" thing-told that they're signing up for an "escort" agency. They do not realize that they've actually signed up to be call girls until it's too late.

Here, Koharu uses her real name when working because I don't know any way for me to identify her as Koharu if she used an alias, since sex workers never, EVER give out their real names. Also, since this book is old, the girls give their age as 18-but nowadays, you're required to tell your clients you're at least 21.

The woman who says her friend used to work for the cops and Sesshomaru better "do as he's told" is lying. If that were the case, both she, her girls, and Sesshomaru would have been arrested. Yes, it is illegal to deal with prostitution in any way-the client will get arrested if he meets a girl who's actually an undercover cop. And vice-versa.

The prostitutes in this story are very stupid. Most sex workers, minus the street-walking types, will screen a first-time client to make sure he isn't a cop. There are certain things a cop cannot do, and she will wait until he's provided sufficient evidence that he isn't a police officer before revealing to him exactly what she does.)


	3. Infatuation

(A/N: Okay, so far, really, the biggest challenge was changing Humbert's style of writing to what I think would be more like Sesshomaru's. Like you already know, this is something he's written himself in jail while on trial for something.

But Humbert is a very...artistic person with a flair for words and language, and he writes in prose all the time. His memoir describes disgusting events with such poetic-ness, it even manages to mask what's really going on at some points.

I seriously do NOT think Sesshomaru would write like that. He is not the artistic, over-sensitive character that Humbert is. But at the same time, I couldn't write it in the unemotional, stoic, cold tone I think Sesshomaru would've used. So, I tried my best. Sorry if the narrative is still weird for some readers.)

* * *

Kagome and I did not have a very expressive relationship. At the most, we had some cozy evenings together going out to movies and boxing matches.

As much as her personality resembled that of a child, I was reminded nightly that she herself was not. I touched her when I needed to. There was a grocer next door who had a little daughter who drove me mad; luckily, Kagome provided a legal outlet to my predicament.

One summer, I was offered a job in the States for an annual income of a few thousand dollars (A/N: The story takes place some time ago, back then this was enough, I guess.). I welcomed the news because, by then, I felt like my life needed a shake up.

It seemed years of dull marriage had taken its toll on both of us. During the past few weeks, Kagome was not her usual self; she was more restless than usual and much easier to anger. When I told her that we were going to sail to New York, she looked very distressed. Something about her passport.

I didn't find out the real reason behind her change in behavior until a few days later, when we were coming out of an office building with her papers in order. Kagome walked by my side and just shook her head vigorously, not saying a word. At first I just ignored her, not knowing what was going on. But soon I needed some kind of explanation.

"Kagome." I called. "What is with you?"

"Oh, Sesshomaru, Sesshomaru. I-I can't go with you." She stopped walking. "There's another man in my life."

Her words shook me. Not because I was very attached to her or was "afraid" of losing her, but because she had disrespected and disgraced me in a disgusting way. I honestly wanted to beat her up right then and there where we stood. If not for my superhuman will, I might have done so.

But this Sesshomaru is above such petty behavior. I just ushered her into a taxi and quietly demanded she explain the matter in more detail. I wanted to know her lover's name. She didn't answer. I asked again, multiple times, but she just kept babbling on about an immediate divorce. Finally I had to shout at her.

"Kagome!" I struck her firmly but gently on the knee. "This Sesshomaru asked you a question."

She just stared at me blankly before finally answering. "Your brother."

* * *

The next day, Inuyasha came by to help Kagome move out of my house and in with him. I had not seen my half-brother in years. I did not intend to see him at all, ever, but the circumstances demanded it.

Both of them were nervous. Inuyasha looked a bit guilt-stricken; I guess he knew that Kagome was married to me. What a disgrace.

"S-So, um." He cleared his throat and scratched behind his ear. "Nice to see you again. How have you been?"

I did not answer him; instead I just gave him a cold glare that made most people run away. He snarled.

"You know, you could at least try to talk or say something! It's not like I-"

"Inuyasha, stop." Kagome put her hand on his arm. "Let's just...start packing."

"Immediately." I added.

I never saw or heard from Kagome or Inuyasha again.

* * *

Although the divorce delayed my schedule, I did finally make it to New York. The job consisted mainly of thinking up and editing perfume ads. I also taught history of French literature for English students at a university nearby.

I don't know why, or how it happned, but somewhere down the line, a breakdown sent me to a sanitorium for more than a year. I went back to my work only to be hospitalized again.

But there was an interesting discovery I made during my stay; that there is great amusement in toying with psychiatrists. You can lead them on, invent elaborate dreams for them to try to decipher, never let them know what you're really thinking, all while letting them think they're the ones in control when it's really you who calls the shots.

I bribed a nurse and won access to some of my files and discovered cards saying that I was "potentially homosexual" and "totally impotent." They did not have a single clue what my sexual predicament really was.

* * *

After I signed out, I went to New England to start working again. A retired man suggested that I spend a few months in his residence because his wife was looking for someone to rent the upper story of their home. They had two daughters; a baby and a twelve-year-old, and a beautiful garden not far away from a lake. I told them it sounded perfect.

I exchanged letters with them, fantisizing about the nymphets I would come across. But when my train reached its destination, nobody came to greet me. I called them and no one answered the telephone.

He did eventually turn up; distraught, wet, and with the news that his house had just burned down. His family had fled to a farm he owned, but there was a friend of his across the street named Sara who had offered to accommodate me instead.

Well, now the reason for my traveling here was gone. I was upset, but did not show it. This was my only option at the moment.

The house was dingy and old; its white coat of pain fading to grey. The front door was decorated with chimes; the inside of the house was decorated with numerous Mexican pieces of "art" if you could call it that.

"Is it you? Mr. Sesshomaru?" A deep female voice called from the top of the staircase. I presumed this was Sara.

She was in her middle thirties, about my age. Her forehead was shiny and her eyebrows were overplucked; her eyes very wide-set and avoiding yours. A cigarette hung limply from her lips, and she smiled a smile of a quizzical jerk of an eyebrow.

I could not be happy here in this kind of house. However, I had given my word, so I went on with the ordeal.

"I see you are not too impressed." Sara commented. "I confess this is not a very neat household but I assure you, you will be very comfortable. Let me show you the garden."

I reluctantly followed her downstairs again, and then outside until we saw the greenery. However, it wasn't the garden that caught my attention.

Suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, it was like I was a child in Riviera again. I saw ebony black hair, long, slender limbs, a supple, bare back...and I almost called her by her name-until she turned her head and I did not see ruby red eyes and cherry lips, but deep chocolate brown ones and lips the color of ripe peaches.

Not my Kagura, no. But this was the moment I first saw the girl who would soon become my Lolita.

Sara and I walked deeper into the garden. My knees felt like water; my mouth became dry and parched.

"That was my daughter Rin." she said. "And there are my lilies. Aren't they beautiful?"

I blinked before turning to answer her. "Beautiful. Yes, beautiful."

She didn't know I wasn't talking about the flowers.

* * *

Reader. This Sesshomaru will now present you with a series of entries from my diary around that time.

_Thursday_- From the bathroom window, I saw Rin taking things off a clothesline behind the house. After a while, she sat down next to me on the lower step of the back porch and picked up the pebbles between her feet and chucked them at a can.

It appeared she was playing some sort of game, trying to hit the can. Is she aware of the game she is playing with me?

Her skin is marvelous. Junk food causes blemishes, but she has none, despite hording unhealthy food by the gallons. Only a few lovely freckles.

_Friday- _I saw her going somewhere with a friend of hers named Shiori. Why am I so excited by the way that a mere child walks? I can't help but analyze her turned-in toes, the ghost of a drag in her steps.

Her speech. Crude and filled with slang. Yet fascinating and teasing.

_Saturday- _I strategically took a seat in the piazza rocker before Lo arrived. To my disappointment, she arrived with her mother, both wearing black two-piece bathing suits.

For a moment, she stood near me, and she smelled so much like Kagura, but with rougher overtones. Then she retreated to her mat near Sara.

She lay on her stomach reading comic books. Her shoulder blades are slightly raised, her various girlish movements seduced me until Sara suddenly spoiled everything by turning to me and asking for a light.

_Sunday-_ We were gonna go to Our Glass Lake this afternoon, but it began to rain around noon and Rin threw a tantrum.

I've been reading up; apparently, to the writers on the sex interests of children, I have all the characteristics that stir responses in a growing girl that has just entered puberty and is beginning to discover sexuality. Moreover, I am said to resemble some actor or whatever that Rin seems to have a crush on.

_Monday- _Sara was out shopping, and I was alone with Rin. She was in her mother's bedroom, trying to get rid of something in her left eye. I held her by the shoulders and turned her around.

"It's right there." said Lo. "Rin can feel it. Lick it out?"

I blinked. "Should I?"

"Sure."

I gently pressed my tongue along her quivering, salty eyeball.

"Oh good! It's gone." She chirped.

"Now the other one?"

"What? There's nothing the-" She stopped when she noticed me already approaching. "...Okay."

I pressed my mouth to her eyelid; she laughed and brushed past me out of the room. My heart seemed everywhere at once. Aching. I tried to visualize her, to be able to describe her-but I couldn't, because my own desire blinds me whenever she is near.

_Tuesday- T_he three of us sat on the piazza, watching the sunset. Sara was talking about some movie she had seen with Lolita while the nymphet herself had squeezed herself in between us.

I started talking about my "adventures" just to stall them. I'm no good at conversation since I rarely speak, but this allowed me to take advantage of the gestures I made while speaking and gently brush against Rin somehow, touch her, stroke her-and I kept myself going as long as I could.

One in a while, I would give her a quick "nuzzle", and feel my lips against her hair. It was hopeless though.

"I think it's bedtime, Rin." Sara announced.

Rin made a face. "And I think you stink."

"Oh? I guess that means there's no picnic tomorrow."

"Fuck you!"

After she left, Sara took it upon herself to complain to me about Rin and how much trouble she was. Apparently, she was a villain at one and kept throwing her toys out of the crib so her poor mother had to keep picking them up.

Now, at age twelve, her grades were bad and she did nothing but run around all day.

The woman holds an abnormal amount of resentment for her daughter.

_Wednesday- _I'd been leaving the door open while writing for quite a few days now; today the trap worked. Lolita came in to see what I was writing.

I put my arm around her in a miserable imitation of a blood-relationship; and my innocent visitor sank to a half-sitting position on my knee. I knew that now, I could kiss her throat or the wick of her mouth and she would let me do so. I don't know how, or why, but I do know I caught changes in her respiration.

She was not really looking at my writing, but waiting for me with curiosity and composure!

Too bad that just then, Sara began yelling about something that died in the basement and Lolita was too curious to miss it.

_Thursday-_ Sara said she wanted to go downtown to get a present for a friend of hers or something, and wanted me to come along since I worked in the perfume industry before.

Before leaving, we heard Lolita's voice from inside the car.

"Hey, where are you going?" She shouted. "Rin wants to come!"

"Ignore her." Sara said as she hurriedly put her foot on the gas; however, Rin was already pulling at the door on my side.

Sara sighed. "This is intolerable!" Rin had already scrambled in.

"Hey, you!" She said to me. "Move your ass, you!"

"Lo!" Sara cried as she glanced at me, hoping I would throw her out. "You-you are so ridiculous! How can you act like this when you know you're unwanted and need a bath?"

Rin sat on my lap throughout the ride. She sat on my lap.

_Friday- _I long for some disaster; some sort of disease, maybe. So that Sara would be eliminated and I would be free to enjoy Lolita among the ruins as she whimpers in my arms. I fantasize about her death.

Later, Sara announced that since the weather was going to be nice, we should finally get to Our Glass Lake on Sunday after church. I lay in bed musing and scheming about how to profit from the picnic to come.

* * *

(A/N: (A/N: What Sesshomaru says about the psychiatrists is, unfortunately, very true. Take it from someone who's had over 30 different ones. Foster children are required by law to be in therapy in Maryland; and every time I changed placements, I got a new therapist. Those degrees mean absolutely nothing. In order to understand subjects such as the ones they're trying to understand, you have to have experienced it.

Very often, Sesshomaru says that Rin was unaware of what he was doing when he was "secretly" feeling her up, trying to make it look like something else.

On the contrary. I know for a fact that she was completely aware that there was something completely wrong going on; but she didn't know how to explain it, was frightened of it, and really didn't know how to prove it, so she didn't say anything.

Also, she may have wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. She was trying to deny what was happening, trying to pretend otherwise because it's what she wanted to believe. It's easier to believe that it's a figment of your imagination rather than to believe that someone is trying to "secretly" molest you. It also feels better. It's reassuring.

Plus, is she reacted, her mother would have-you guessed it-gone against her.

Sesshomaru thinks that her "sudden change in respiration" was out of "curiosity and composure" and she was "waiting for him". FALSE. She was SCARED OUT OF HER FUCKING MIND AND SHE FROZE, not knowing how to react.

When Sara began yelling and Rin bolted out the door-that wasn't because Rin was "curious about it" like Sesshomaru thought. No, no, NO. She was provided with an opportunity to escape, and she TOOK IT.

Victims of pedophlia-especially of the incest type- YOU KNOW DAMN WELL that's the reality, because you have had the very same thing happen to you, and you reacted the same way. You know what it feels like. You understand. Don't try to deny it or make excuses for your abusers. Living a lie and fooling yourself, making yourself believe something in order to pretend happiness may be easier on you, but on the long run, it will fucking DESTROY you. Wake the fuck up and stop excusing the people who are raping you and CALL IT WHAT IT IS. RAPE.

Also note that when Sesshomaru describes Rin, he never says anything about her mind, attitude, or who she is as an individual. He only notes her physical traits and "nymphet" qualities. She is not a person to him, though he has yet to realize that. Just like men who become attracted to girls as soon as they hit puberty have changed their attitudes NOT because of any solid mental or spiritual change, but PHYSICAL changes that call out to their biology.

And what is that, when you focus only on someone's physical attributes and never their spirit? Do you call that love? That's only lust. Lust alone, without love-it is not romance. And when coming from a grown, expirienced adult, directed towards a child who is just developing hormones and is very confused about things that involve sexuality, and is "experimenting"-like people do when they're new to sexuality-what is that?

That is taking advantage of the other person's inexpirience and lack of knowledge and using it to your own benefit. Which is why, whether you have the child's consent or not, it's called statutory RAPE.)


	4. Child Grooming

(A/N: Some of you will not be expecting this shift, but some parts of this story will not be told from Humbert (Sesshomaru)'s perspective like in the original. Some of this will be told from Rin's perspective. Such as this part.

Sorry if Rin's perspective isn't as clear as to what really happened. The victim's usually never is in the beginning.

Yes, that's right, I referenced the infamous Tale of Genji. I haven't read the children's version, but I do know there is one out there, so forgive me if it's incorrect. I only have the adult version.)

* * *

The Tale of Genji...Children's Condensed version. Yup, that's right. Children's condensed...mommy never lets Rin read anything good. Like I need some censored kid's version when I already know all that stuff already.

Regardless, I picked up the book and flipped through the pages. Apparently, it was about some boring guy in Japan who won wars or something. It was really dull until I got to the summary for one specific chapter.

He wanted a princess, Lady Fujitsubo, but it was forbidden cause they were already married, and he got all upset.

Wait, what...? He complains about it to his main wife? Main?

Then he has a lot of other girlfriends, but this is not romantic to Rin. He keeps getting rejected, or they die.

Right now, he's seen a pretty girl and he's entering her room even though he knows he doesn't have her permission. She recognizes him as a man of unchallengeable power and she knows that protesting is useless. (A/N: Yes, Genji is a rapist.)

Protesting what?

"Someone might hear us." she says.

"I can go anywhere and do anything." he replied.

Hear what?

Am I missing something?

I'd have to ask about that later. I kept skimming through the book.

Wakamurasaki...? Ah, it means something like "Young Murasaki". I giggled and snorted; what a stupid name. It was the name for a girl, and it meant purple plant or something.

So this Genji guy had a fever. He finds this girl, a little girl who he finds out is Lady Fujitsubo's niece. Oh, so she's a princess then? And then, he...immediately wants her for himself.

Uh-oh.

Love at first sight.

I smiled and looked above before sighing, "How romantic." The book had won me over. I wanted to keep reading.

A little bit later, he...kindnaps her.

She is crying.

I...what? But it's okay. He's the hero of the book. He must have a good reason, right? I can't let a good love story be spoiled by something minor. I turned the page in anticipation for what was to come but I was interrupted before I could get any further.

* * *

Dammit, I forgot I was alone with that Sesshomaru man; he walked in and his opening the door startled me. He was actually kind of cute; he looks like my favorite actor Naraku except he's pale. But this is not how I wanted to spend the day. We were supposed to go to Our Glass Lake with Shiori and her mom, but she canceled at the last minute because her mom got sick and now, it was postponed, and I was home with him reading while mom was at church.

I took a bite out of the apple I held in my hand and turned back to my book about the Princess who got rescued by her Prince, who'd rescue her from everything and give her the world. At least, I hope that's how it turned out. I didn't get to find out because just then the jerk took my apple.

"Give it back!" I demanded, holding my hand out. He took it out and gave it to me. Stupid. I took another large bite out of it before turning my head to try to read. What was that for anyway?

I didn't have time to finish the sentence I was on for soon I felt...breath on my neck.

What the hell?

Sesshomaru was so close to me, my hair brushed his temple and my arm touched his cheek when I wiped my mouth, trying to shrug off his weird ways. Not big of a deal.

Not very comfortable though. I feel weird, tingling sensations throughout my spine and suddenly flet more self-conscious, alert, and aware of my surroundings than I usually was.

"What's that book you got there?" he asked.

"The Tale of Genji."

"The Japanese tale? What a smart girl."

"...Thanks."

I felt him tilt his head on my shoulder; out of the corner of my eyes I could see he was only trying to read my book. Inwardly I felt relieved about something.

But then he went and took the entire book away from me!

"What are you doing?" I shouted, bewildered. The next minute, I was basically all over him trying to retrieve it.

He caught me by my wrist; I lost my grip on my book and it fell. I twisted myself free, recoiled, and lay accidentally extended my legs across his lap in the process of all the freaking gymnastics I was doing. He started talking fast about nothing; now and then he'd complain of a toothache. He pulled the book farther over his head and soon I was kind of straddling him while struggling to reach it.

He started singing-ooh he was teasing me! I twitched as I could feel him kind of stroking my leg. I kept shuffling back and forth on his lap trying to reach my book-

Did I just feel something liquid?!

Just then, he finally gave me back my book, and I rolled off his lap and stuck my tongue out at him. I pretended to go back to it, but couldn't.

I felt sick.

I kept thinking about the weird, sticky feeling I had suddenly gotten while I was on his lap.

I was shivering. I had no reason to.

Trying to calm myself, I toom a very loud bite out of my apple. It's okay, Lo. You're just weird. It's okay.

But then I felt his hand creeping up my leg. I turned and-

"Look, see what you've done to yourself?" He was brushing the bruise I had on my thigh I had from tripping. His hand was tickling me. I made a weird crying sound, and tried to squirm away. When his mouth brushed my neck, I succeeded. Finally.

I jumped to my feet. I don't know why, but somehow, I felt the urge to call my mom. My cheeks were aflame, my hair was a mess, and it was all I could do to not cry as I explained to her over the phone that I wanted to be picked up by car and taken to church with her. I didn't say why. I didn't know why. All I know is, I feel dizzy.

* * *

That night I finished the Tale of Genji.

The girl named Murasaki was..."schooled" and "educated" in how to be a proper wife for him or something like that. She really had no room to say or think otherwise. She never got the time or space of day to realize that there was something out there besides him, that he was keeping her prisoner, and he was lying to her.

She had no choice but to accept it all. She was never presented with any other ideals.

And all this time, while he kept her locked up to be nothing but his toy, he continued to meet with Lady Fujitsubo and she even had his son. That boy became the crowned prince and Fujitsubo became the Empress, and they continued their relationship a secret.

So he reconciled with his other wife, and she had his son too, but then she died. Only then did he marry Murasaki, but even afterwards, he continued to see other women and have children by them-Oborozukiyo and Akashi. She was never his main wife. Rin doesn't think he ever loved her.

The rest of the book is about more deaths, his career, and how it all slowed down once he turned 40.

He goes and marries another wife, who later bears the son of his nephew.

By this time, his relationship with Murasaki is so beyond repair, she wishes to become a nun. And then she dies, and he dies soon after.

Oh, Murasaki.

Poor Murasaki.

I thought...just maybe...you might have become a princess, or at least had a life.

That night, I threw that book away. I couldn't bring myself to read it again. I vowed to never, ever idealize that kind of fantasy and I cried myself to sleep.

* * *

(A/N: **Child Grooming** is the act of the act of befriending and influencing a child with the intent of lowering their inhibition and having sexual contact with them later on. It is a criminal offence and a widely practiced tactic among abusers. Oh, Genji, "introducing her to your touch", huh? Wow.

**Quotes From Abusers**

"Parents are so naive—they're worried about strangers and should be worried about their brother-in-law. They just don't realize how devious we can be. I used to abuse children in the same room with their parents and they couldn't see it or didn't seem to know it was happening."

"I was disabled and spent months grooming the parents, so they would tell their children to take me out and help me. No one thought that disabled people could be abusers."

"Parents are partly to blame if they don't tell their children about sexual matters—I used it to my advantage by teaching the child myself."

"Parents shouldn't be embarrassed to talk about things like this—it's harder to abuse or trick a child who knows what you're up to."

It is a fact that abuse of any kind usually does not come from a 'stranger' like people want to believe. Nope. It's usually someone that you're 'close' to who's been working for a while to earn the trust from you and the people you surround yourself with. That way, not only are you more easily brainwashed into their ideals, if you should choose to speak up about it-guess what? The people that can help you are not gonna side with you. They'll stick up for him.

Victims, stop making excuses for your abusers and wake up from your fantasies.)


	5. The Letter

(A/N: If you didn't fully get the last chapter, what happened was that Sessshomaru manipulated Rin so that she was kind of grinding against him. Then he rubbed himself against her until he came. Back to Sesshomaru's POV.)

* * *

This Sesshomaru has said it time and time again; I am a smart man, and I just proved it. I had found a way to get what I want from Lolita without having to actually taint her innocence, and she had noticed nothing. Nothing! I take pride in that I was able to protect the purity of that child.

Rin didn't come home the next day; she was out watching a movie with some friends. I was stuck in the house with nothing to do but eat dinner (with Sara to my disgust). The woman made sure to be very polite while serving food and then revealed that Rin was going away to summer camp on Thursday for three weeks.

I nearly choked and threw up my food. I had just barely secretly had her!

"Um, Sesshomaru? Are you okay?" asked Sara.

I forced myself to calm down. "I'm fine. I just have a toothache."

"Really?" She blinked cluelssly. "...Well, our neighbor is a dentist. His name is Onigumo; he was actually due to see Rin but she refused. I think it'd be good for her if she saw you go. It might just curb her a little. Plus, she's been bothering you so much these days..."

"Are you sure about this?" I cut her off; she was blabbing again.

"Of course!" Sara beamed. "Yura knows children better than anyone."

My toothache has gotten worse.

* * *

Rin would fight with her mother more often than she ever did before; and each time, she would run to her room, lock herself in and cry for the rest of the night. Especially when Sara told her that I had approved of the whole camp idea. She cursed out her mother and called me a double-crosser, but I didn't say anything. Not in Sara's presence.

After all that, she was now ready to go. Sara was rushing her into the car when the most unexpected thing happened.

She turned around, ran to me, and kissed me.

It was just an innocent peck on the lips, but God, it meant the world.

* * *

That night, the maid handed me a note.

_Sesshomaru, I love you. I asked God what to do about it and he only said to act like I am now. There's no other for me. I am a passionate, lonely woman and you are the love of my life._

_Now that I've gotten that confession out of the way, I must ask you to leave. As your landlady, I am asking you to pack your belongings right away. I'm kicking you out. Get out by eight thirty, before I return. I don't want to see you here again. In fact, please don't even read this letter until the end!_

_I am nothing to you. I know that! If you read my "confession" and decided that for some reason you'd like to take advantage of my feelings, you'd be a criminal! No better than raping a child. If you decide to stay, it can only mean you want me as much as I want you and you want to be a father to my little girl!_

_Oh my goodness. By now, this letter's probably been torn to pieces and flushed down the toilet. You must think I'm so stupid for opening up like this. Your curiosity has been satisfied; now go. Please go. Don't forget to leave the key on the desk in your room, and an address to where you will be so I can refund you for the remainder of the month._

At first, I was repulsed. In my daze, I walked around and somehow ended up in Rin's room, staring at the poster above her bed.

An actor. Dark, long hair, red eyes, a creepy grin. Rin had drawn an arrow to his face, and put "Sesshomaru" there in block letters.

I examined the poster again. Coloring aside, he does look like me. We had the same bone structure and similar features; albeit in different shades.

Having calmed down, I re-read the letter, and then an idea came to me. If I were to marry Sara, that would give me more right to see Rin than anyone else as her legal guardian. This was an opportunity to be closer to her than ever before. When I thought about that, I was even able to make Sara's grotesque face seem slightly appealing. Slightly.

A grin took over my lips for a second until I straightened myself out. So many possibilities. I could feed both of them powerful sleeping pills, or keep Sara quiet in fear of me leaving her if she forbade me from seeing Lolita.

I would wait for Sara. Then I'd give her the news.

* * *

During the preparations for the wedding, Sara changed. At first she was more uptight, conservative, and strict than even myself-which is actually saying something. The woman even went as far as to say she would commit suicide if I did not believe in the Christian God.

She was still a well-mannered woman of principle; but as she became more active in the community, she managed to become an acceptable citizen. It wasn't as bad as I expected at all. She was now willing to wait on me hand and foot. She improved the appearance, becoming neater and better dressed. There was a radiance to her that I had not previously noticed; her smile was brighter, more honest, and happier.

It was fascinating. From time to time, I could see traces of Rin in her in her mannerisms. The connection between mother and child steadily became more apparent. Biologically, she was the closest that I could get to Lolita. I do think that back when she was Rin's age, she had been just as desirable a schoolgirl as Rin is today; and as Rin's daughter would be one day.

At times, she would look at me with such tenderness and admiration that I felt as though I hated myself.

Sara became more energetic, as though she was trying to match her more youthful appearance. She spent hours cleaning and redecorating the house and socializing with the neighbors. But as real friends went, she only had Miroku, a young sports dealer, and his wife Sango, a painter.

But there was a downside to it as well; Sara had a possesive side to her. She was insanely jealous and would constantly nag me about my past, wanting to know all about my previous lovers. Then she would proceed to insult them in any way she could. I had to tell her about my marriage to Kagome; and then to satisfy her urges, I invented a long line of girlfriends for her to tear apart.

She hardly talked about my Lolita. Strangely, by then, I had come to regard Rin as my own child. If I got Sara a Caesarian section sometime next Spring, would I have a chance to gorge the nymphet with sleeping pills?

The woman's hatred of her daughter made me sick.

* * *

One day, we went to the lake with Miroku and Sango.

"You know, Sesshomaru, I'd always wanted a good, trained servant maid to live in the house." Sara told me one say, her eyes sparkling in anticipation.

"No room." I replied without interest.

"Oh, come on!" She smiled. "We can put her in Rin's room. I was gonna turn that room into a guest room anyway; it's the coldest, ugliest room in this place."

"Where would you put your daughter, then?"

Sara gasped. "Oh, I didn't tell you, did I? Rin's not gonna be in the picture at all. She'll go straight from camp to boarding school, and then to Beardsley College. I have everything planned out, so you don't have to worry."

If she had been Kagome, I could've just scared her into giving me what I wanted; but this was Sara. I couldn't do anything to spoil the image of me she had come to adore. I could not say anything to her at all without giving myself away. Sara was too strict in her morals and beliefs, too conservaptive and principled to persuade.

Think whatever you want of me, but in that moment, I realized that my natural solution was to get rid of her so it was only Rin and I in the picture.

And so, we entered the water. On the opposite bank, there were two men working on the stretch of the shore; a retired policeman and a plumber building a wharf. Our side was empty on weekday mornings. There was nobody except those two. They were close enough to witness an accident but too far away to witness a crime.

Keep in mind, I was not that insane. I was only noting to myself how easy it would have been. I could've just dropped back, grabbed her by the ankle, and dove into the water dragging Sara with me. She wasn't much of a swimmer anyway. I could've then come up for some air while holding her down, dive again as many times as I had to, and shouted for help as soon as she was gone for good. By the time help arrived, no one would have been able to notice what really happened.

And yet, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just silently turned to the shore with Sara following behind me.

Dammit. Is it that big of a deal? People like me only wanted the community to allow their harmless behavior without everyone cracking down on us. We are not the villains. We are just people with different preferences, willing to give years of our lives for the chance to touch a nymphet. Is it so wrong to prefer a child?

We sat down on our towels. Sango joined us with her easel.

"You startled me." said Sara.

Sango shrugged. "Sorry. I was trying to finish a landscape, but that spot I had is no good." She turned to me, smiling. "Have you ever tried painting, Sesshomaru?"

"Hey." Sara interrupted, seemingly jealous of the woman for even daring to talk to me. "Is Miroku coming?"

"He's coming home for lunch today." Sango replied. "You know, I once saw two children making love right here at sunset. Next time I think I might see Onigumo. He told me this really weird story about his nephew; Naraku, I think his name was. It appears-"

Just then we were interrupted by Miroku.

Why is it that I am always hearing this Naraku person's name?

* * *

(A/N: About the kissing part...Any sane person would not have read that deep into it. A peck on the lips is a way of showing affection, but it doesn't indicate romantic interest. Especially from a child. I highly doubt Lo meant anything by that kiss.

Unfortunately, many abusers have a tendency to turn any form of affection into a romantic one and call any form of love romantic, taking signs of love between friends/family members as "flirting" or "romantic interest" when that isn't the case. They can't distinguish, or rather choose not to. Kind of like another group of of people.)


	6. Accident

(A/N: Some people have expressed that they felt personally attacked because of this. I'm only stating my views the same way everyone else is with every single fic of theirs. This is not to intentionally insult anyone, though that won't stop some people from choosing to be offended for daring to disagree. It is not to imply bad things about all Sessh/Rin fans-it is intended to portray what really happens with these adult-child relationships. The events and characters that occur in these fics are not accurate, and many still don't realize that. All it's saying is that you may be wrong about certain issues.

With that being said, several people have expressed disgust, which is good. Keep in mind that nothing has actually even happened yet between the two of them besides Sesshomaru's own inner lust and the incident with the apple. Quite different when you see what it's really like, isn't it?)

* * *

"We're going to England in the fall." Sara announced one day over dinner.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "No, we are not."

"How come?"

"Did it ever occur to you that not all of our decisions are made solely by you?" I replied. "In a marriage, there are two individuals both playing equal roles as a part of a partnership. This present matter is only incidental; I am concerned with the general trend in your behavior. I am not someone you can boss around."

She slowly fell to her knees and came to my side, saying she was sorry and that I was her ruler. Overly dramatic as always, she claimed if I didn't forgive her she would die. This new improvement in the relationship pleased me greatly.

"Why is this locked?" She asked me one day, examining the small table in my study. "Is there a key?"

She proves to me once again how annoyingly pesky she is. "It's hidden." Can the woman stay away from my business for a second?

"Hidden? What's in there?"

"Locked up love letters." I said sarcastically.

Sara made a wounded-puppy sort of face at me, like she was trying to decipher whether I was serious or not. Then she came over and rubbed her cheek against my temple. At least Kagome soon got over annoying things like that.

"Well, is there anything special you want for dinner? Miroku and Sango are gonna drop in later."

I answered her with a grunt and she gave me a quick kiss before leaving the room. Carefully, I checked under the old safety razor where I had hidden the key to the drawer Sara was interested in. Was it a good place for it to be? With my current wife always rummaging around everywhere, it might be difficult to keep secrets.

* * *

Throughout the summer, I experimented with various sleeping powders and tested them on Sara. The last dose I had given her knocked her out for about four hours. I tried putting the radio on at full blast, shining a flashlight in her eyes, pinched her, and prodded her and she didn't flinch. However she awoke from a mere kiss from me.

I had to get something safer. The doctor didn't believe me initially when I told him the pills were for my insomnia. He kept trying to distract me, but I insisted he prescribe the strongest pill, and he caved in the end.

When I left, I felt better than I had felt in a very long time. Everything was gonna go right that day. The sun was shining, birds were singing, the sky was blue-what could go wrong?

As I entered the living room, my usual aloof manner was replaced by an unusual cheerfulness for that moment. I even announced that I was home like a proud doting family man coming home from work. Sara was in the corner, writing something. I repeated that I was home, and she stopped.

Slowly, she turned to face me. Her expression was disfigured by intense emotion; she wiped a tear from her eye and lowered her gaze to the floor.

"This...this ugly hag, this grotesque monster is not going to bother you with her presence any longer." She said, mocking my habit of speaking in third person. "You are a disgusting, sick, twisted person. I-I can't even describe how much of a monster you are! I'm leaving. I'm leaving tonight, and you can have the house all to yourself-but you'll never get to see that brat ever again. Leave me alone."

I think some part of me felt guilty, for I could not bring myself to retort. I did as she asked me to and went up to my-or our-room. And there was the table drawer she had been curious about, open, with the key hanging from the lock. The diary I had hidden inside it was now on Sara's pillow.

Calmly, I retrieved my diary and walked back downstairs. I could hear Sara talking on the phone about canceling some meeting. After taking a deep breath, I grabbed a bottle of Scotch. She loved Scotch.

"Have a drink and calm down." I told her. "Those were fragments of a fictional novel I am working on; your names are in there by chance. I prefer using names of people I know."

Sara ignored me and continued to write something. I set out two glasses and opened the fridge to retrieve some ice, all the while trying to come up with a solution to my problem. After pouring the drinks, I started to carry them to the to the dining room.

"Come." I called. She didn't answer. The telephone next to the glasses I had set down began to ring.

"You'd better come quick!" said a voice when I answered. "Sara has been run over."

I raised my eyebrow. "My wife is safe and sound."

Hanging up the phone, I returned to the living room where I had seen her moments ago. Sara was not there.

* * *

I ran outside. On the far side of our street, a black Packard was placed at an angle from the sidewalk. To the right of the car, there was an old, extremely short man, holding his head. And on the sidewalk were the mangled remains of Sara, who had been hit and dragged down the street while she was rushing to the mailbox to send off three letters.

A child handed me the letters after picking them up. I tore them to shreds inside my pocket.

The police was already there, for they had been ticketing two illegally parked cars two blocks down when the accident happened. Three doctors along with Miroku and Sango arrived soon after and took charge. The short, midget-like man, named Myoga, had been the one to drive the Packard. I only spoke to provide directions on what to do with the dead woman and the examination and disposal of her body. Miroku and Sango retired to mine and Sara's old bedroom, and I took Rin's room.

In the days that followed Sara's death, I inspected the fragments of the letters that Sara had been trying to mail which I had shredded earlier. She had intentions of taking Rin and running to Parkington or Pisky. Among the pieces of mail was an application to a girl's boarding school. One of the letters was addressed to me.

I could make out her emotional rambling, something about meeting after a year of separation, and something about dying. They made little sense.

* * *

One evening, I was sitting in the living room with Miroku and Sango when I noticed an old picture of Sara during spring. I held it up and gazed at it while I told them about a business trip I had made to the States and spent several months in Pisky. There, I met Sara and we had an affair, but she was engaged. After I returned to Europe, we communicated through a mutual friend, who is now dead. They left the room murmuring to each other.

The phone rang. It was a cleric. I spoke little, but I made it clear I would devote my life to Rin. I had a cousin in New York who would find a good private school for Lo. He bought it; then I pretended to call Yura and acted out a conversation. When Miroku and Sango returned looking confused, I told them Rin had gone on a five-day hike in camp and could not be reached.

"Oh no." said Sango. "What do we do? We have to tell her about her mother."

"I could drive there right now. I mean, this is important." Miroku offered.

I waved the notion away. "Leave it alone for now. She isn't ready to handle the news yet. "

"...But Sesshomaru...as Sara's friend, I have to ask, what are you gonna do with the child?" said Miroku.

"I had heard rumors." Sango whispered, eyeing the photograph I had shown them earlier. "But I didn't really believe them until today. I think that Sesshomaru may be Rin's real father."

Her husband seemed dumbfounded. "In that case, what you feel is right would be the best course of action."

"After the funeral, I will fetch her." I assured them. "I'll take her on a trip or something to make her feel better."

When Sara died and I first entered the house as a free father, I realized that Lolita would soon be mine to do whatever I wanted with. But with them questioning me I saw that I could not do that with all these people osberving us. Rin herself might develop some foolish distrust of me.

* * *

(A/N: I cut out the part where Jean kisses Humbert because it was irrelevant to the plot.)


	7. Road Trip

Following Sara's sudden, unexpected death, I was overcome by enormous guilt. I didn't kill Sara. I know I didn't kill her. And yet, it seemed too big of a coincidence that she died as soon as I began to wish she was out of the picture. Had fate perhaps read my mind? If so, the victory rang hollow.

I kept thinking that somehow, Rin was being informed of what had happened. Someone could have scooped her and driven her to Ramsdale at that very moment-a friend of Sara, perhaps. She didn't know Miroku and Sango very well, but she surely had plenty of other friends I knew nothing about.

The plan I had in mind was to go to camp and tell Lolita that her mother was about to undergo major surgery at some fake hospital and then keep moving from inn to inn while her mother got better and better-then suddenly died. On the way to see Rin at camp, I pulled up in a suburb of Parkington, flipped off the ignition, and silently sat in the car, readying myself for the phone call I was about to make. Then I drove to a gas station and fed coins to a pay phone.

"I'm sorry, Rin left to go on a hike with her group." It was Yura who answered the phone. "She'll be back later today. Would you care to come tomorrow, sir? I mean, what is going on?"

"Her mother has been hospitalized and the situation is grave. However, I trust that as the counselor, you are well aware that telling the child about this would be a bad idea, correct?"

"Oh, of course!" She exclaimed. "Rin would be traumatized."

"Good. I want her to be ready to leave with me by tomorrow afternoon."

When I hung up, the coins somehow returned, making a sound like I had hit the jackpot or something. It was amusing to say the least. I almost laughed.

I drove to the business center of Parkington and spent the day buying things for Lo. As my guide, I used a parenting book Sara had kept in which she had made several notes about her daughter, including measurements. The woman was biased and she made it clear several times throughout the book by making negative comments, but she was also precise and detailed. I didn't want to seem too suspicious though, so I intentionally acted clueless so that I wouldn't be asked about why I knew so much about girls' clothes.

I had fourty sleeping pills in my posession. Fourty nights, fourty chances.

* * *

The air in prison is stale, and I am continuously finding it hard to keep writing this. I did, however, manage to get some rest last night, and I am willing to endure anything for Rin's memory.

Yura greeted me the next day around half past two, chattering on and on about who knows what-saying Rin had been informed of what I had revealed, asking if I wanted to see the cabins, go to Rin or if she should send her son Hakudoshi to fetch her while she jotted down notes on Rin's behavior for July. It was as if she just couldn't stop; her incessant blabbing drove annoyed me to the point I felt as if I had to make her shut up and I might have done so had Rin not suddenly walked in.

"Hi!" she beamed at me, dragging her suitcase around clumsily, and I felt the blood rush to my head.

She had grown over the summer and become a little less childlike, a bit less a split second I contemplated just giving her a nice, happy childhood with a good education and some friends her age...but I quickly shook those thoughts away from me, and she became Lolita again. I moved to help her with her luggage as I made up my mind

"So how's mom?" she asked in the car.

"The doctors don't know yet. Something abdominal."

"Huh...abominable?"

"No, abdominal." I corrected as I made way to Lepingville.

"Oh." She blinked, then stared out the window in silence.

This wasn't working. I needed her to talk. "How was camp?"

"It was okay..." she paused. "...Dad."

I flinched at the sound of her calling me that word. It was like she somehow knew my intentions and was trying to remind me of what we actually were. Dammit. I needed to change the mood in the atmosphere. This was so not in my character, but... "I missed you a lot."

She frowned. "Well, I didn't miss you. In fact, I've been cheating on you." She stuck her tongue out at me. Cheating? "You don't care about me."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, you haven't kissed me."

She's a child, only a child. But as soon as the car came to a halt she practically flew into my arms and pressed her lips to mine. She was subtle, and I could not comprehend her childish games.I wanted to take her, smuggle her into the nearest hotel or somewhere where we could have privacy, but we still had around eighty miles to go, and we split from each other as a highway patrol car drove up next to us.

"Did you happen to see a blue sedan drive by?" he asked.

I shook my head no.

"No, we didn't. But-" Rin didn't have time to finish because the cop drove off before she could continue. "-Idiot! He should have arrested you!"

I looked at her quizically. "Me?"

She looked at me blinking like she was trying to figure out what to say. "Er, I mean, you were going over the speed limit."

What was I to make of her behavior? My mind was still dazed from the kiss, and she once again resumed staring out the window silently.

"Rin, what were you going on about earlier?" I eyed her suspiciously. What could possibly lead her to say she had been cheating on me?

"Uh, camp." She cleared her throat. "We did lots of things. Things you might even be shocked at." She smirked. "Learned the motto, camped outdoors, learned how to live happy and have a good personality, washed dishes."

"Exactly what would I be shocked at?"

She hesitated. "Well, you know, Rin is a bad girl." This seems really fake and forced. "Filthy thoughts and words."

"I sincerely hope that is all."

"...I'll tell you about it later when we're alone." she coughed. "Can we stop by that candy bar?"

We walked in, and she was soon served some kind of elaborate ice cream sundae with synthetic syrup. It was served by a pimply boy with acne who kept eyeing my child and unnerving me; fortunately Rin finished it very quickly. When she asked to use the washroom, I told her it was a vile place she didn't belong in, and she obediently followed me to the car. I gave her a kiss, pleased with what a good girl she'd been.

"Ew, don't drool on me, you dirty old man!" she exclaimed.

I found this behavior strikingly different from earlier on when she'd kissed me, but I made no comment. I simply continued to search for the a hotel as dusk began to settle. We struggled to find a suitable place, but we were pleased with what we had settled for. Rin's eyes sparkled as she checked out the hallways when we entered from the front doors.

"Are we gonna share one room?" asked Rin, not in anger or disgust but in shock.

"I asked them to put in a cot, which I'll use if you'd like."

"...You're crazy."

"Am I?"

"If mom finds out, she'll kill us!"

"Rin, listen to me. I am practically your father, and I care about you. " It almost killed me to hear those words coming out of my mouth. But it needed to be done. "When we share a room, we become-"

"-The word is incest." Lo concluded, then swiftly turned away to examine the room, giggling all the way.

I had a small vial with me of new bluish-purple pills which I then produced from my pocket. Carefully I tipped the filter into my palm, clasped my empty hands to my mouth and pretended to swallow one. As I expected, Rin's curiosity got the better of her and she came over to examine me.

"Ooh, so blue!" she exclaimed. "What are they?"

"Pieces of the sky."

She glared at me. "No, be serious."

"Vitamins. They're good for you, you should try some."

She accepted around three with no resistance or suspicion sleeping pills worked as fast as I had hoped. It also helped that she'd had a long day, going riding boats in the morning with Kanna and whatnot. She told me stories about what she had done at camp, stifling her yawns and trying to keep her eyes open.

"I've made so many mistakes...we did so many disgusting, sick things." Her head was lolling. "Me, Kanna and Hakudoshi, we-"

"Silence." I put a finger to her mouth. "Go to bed."

Now is my chance.

Lolita sat at the edge of the bed, raising her foot clumsily while trying to untie her shoelaces, putting the side of her inner thigh and the crotch of her panties on full display. She was locked inside the hotel room, and the only person who held the key was me. I should've celebrated. I should've jumped for joy, and taken advantage of the situation right then and there.

But I didn't.

My biggest regret is that I did not return the key and flee.

It wasn't that I didn't want her. I was fine with confining myself to a few innocent touches here and there and keeping her childlike purity intact even if she had been dirtied somehow by the things that had happened in camp, whatever they were. When I had first met her, before she was sent off, she was the perfect stereotypical image of an angelic little girl. She was only twelve, after all, and even though American children tended to be crude, I didn't think that they actually did the things they spoke of.

Knowing that, I should have been aware that the child that she actually was-not the image of Lolita, the character I had written in my mind, but Rin the human being-would have experienced nothing but pain and horror from experiencing things that no human being was meant to at that age, no matter how much she wanted to pretend that she was ready in her childish naivete and arrogance.

Back in the corner of my mind where I had left my sanity, I knew that.

But I didn't want to know it, so I shook it out of my mind and refused to listen to my conscience. I focused on my daydreams, the level of work I did in order to get to this point, and my fantasies of her naked and sprawled out spread-eagle on the bed. Even still, it wasn't easy.

I left and went to the men's room, came out, and drifted from room to room in order to calm my nerves. Still nervous, I went down to the restauraunt downstairs to clear my head, where I saw an extremely pale little nymphet around Lo's age, wearing a white dress that looked like Lo's. I went outside, and a drunk man kept on questioning me about "where I got the girl" and said he didn't believe that she was my daughter.

This wasn't working. I walked to the elevator, but a group of people blocked my path and I ended up walking up the stairs back to my room.

Dammit.

I resisted the urge to sigh, and rapidly shed my clothes, changed into pajamas and joined Rin, who was sleeping on her side with her back to me. Then something unexpected happened.

I was actually trying to get to sleep, and she stared at me with her eyes open, calling me "Kanna."

Kanna? I had heard her mention that name before, when talking about camp.

She then sighed, closed her eyes, and turned away. For two minutes I waited, before I put my head down, turned away from her and tugged at the covers, pulling them all the way over me until Rin sat up, blinking at me.

* * *

(A/N: Had to keep some of the original dialogue cause it was GOLDEN, especially "the word is incest". ROFL.

Interesting note- science shows that people are born with "kinship detectors" that help us stay away from romantic entanglements with family members to avoid the genetic mutation that comes from inbreeding. We recognize people as parent figures by looking at how long we spent in an adult's presence as a child.

Here, Lo can already recognize Humbert as a parent due to his marrying her mother, though it hasn't even been one year. What makes people think Rin would be unable to recognize Sesshomaru as a father figure after spending three to four years being raised by him (the finale three years in the future states that she had only recently begun to live with Kaede) is beyond me. We are genetically made to recognize those people as parent figures.)


	8. Road Trip Part II

(A/N: There's things in the story that aren't in the original-namely, Rin's POV and the things that she saw, thought and heard. The novel was purposely left vague and focused entirely on Humbert's perspective in order to make the audience come up with their own interpretations about everything else, so I've added mine. I've studied Lo's behavior, and certain things are too big of a coincidence and certain things just...don't match. Humbert casually dismisses some peculiar things about her behavior, so I've made sure to note them here.)

* * *

I see him standing there, all by himself, here to pick me up from camp and I winced. I've gotten notice that I was to leave early because my mother was in the hospital. I'm not close to mommy, but wouldn't she have sent her friends first or something?

My thighs feel cold as I recall that one incident with the apple. Sitting on his lap, twisting and turning into all sorts of positions until I felt liquid on me. I shut my eyes. Back then I didn't know what that was, but my little experiments at camp with Kanna and Hakudoshi have taught me about ejaculation and why it happens. I just had to give in to peer pressure, being as weak willed as I am and wanting to look cool. I almost barf at the thought of what I'd learned.

Oh God, he...he likes me like that, huh?

But we are in public. I don't know if I could even tell mommy about this later, and if I did, how would she react? Would she take my side, or would she brush it off as the stupid imagination of an arrogant child who thought highly enough of herself to think that her husband would be interested in her?

I haven't time to think about that.

"Hi!" I walked up to him as cheerfully as I could, almost tripping with my heavy suitcase in my hand.

I don't want to go with him. I'm scared...but I have no choice. I got into the car with him and in order to dispell the tension from the atmosphere, I started talking.

"So how's mom?" That's better. I have to talk. Silence scares me because it gives me room to think about things I'd rather not remember, such as our little encounter.

"The doctors don't know yet. Something abdominal."

Well that was a big word. "Huh, abominable?"

"No, abdominal."

"Oh." I blinked and turned away, not being able to think of more to say.

The tension in the air is killing me. I keep thinking that at any moment, he might turn around and we'd have a repeat of what happened last time.

"How was camp?" he asked.

Is he trying to get familiar with me or something? What's wrong with him? He's married to mommy, isn't he practically my father? "It was okay..." Maybe he's unsure of what he really is in my life. "...Dad."

He flinched. "I missed you a lot."

Dammit, he didn't get the message. He's still trying to get closer to me and get me to open up. But I think I have something that'll turn his interest away. "Well, I didn't miss you. In fact, I've been cheating on you. " He should definitely distance himself from me then. He won't like me anymore. I stuck out my tongue, and saw a police car heading our way in the rearview mirror.

A police car. If they saw something, they might take him away! An idea began to form in my head. "...You don't care about me."

"What makes you say that?"

Now is my chance. When two people in these relationships get caught, the child is never punished. They'd just arrest him and return me home! "You haven't kissed me."

My timing was perfect. Just as the cop was right on our tail and was bound to drive by us any minute, I embraced him and kissed him on the lips. Not too deeply, no, I couldn't make myself do that-but just hard enough for anyone around us to understand what kind of kiss it was. When I was sure he had seen us, I pulled away.

"Did you happen to see a blue sedan drive by?" asked the cop. Sesshomaru shook his head no.

"No we didn't, but-" The cop didn't spare one look at me before he left. In my shock and disappointment, I almost revealed myself. "-Idiot! He should've arrested you!"

"Me?"

Crap. "-Er, I mean, you were going over the speed limit." I hoped that was believable.

Sighing, I sat back down in my seat and looked out the window. I had to think of something else. What could I do?

"Rin, what were you going on about earlier?" he asked.

He must be talking about when I said I was cheating on him. Well, that was kind of true. I'd fooled around with Hakudoshi, so even if I wasn't an item with him, it's partially correct. "Uh, camp. We did lots of things, things you might even be shocked at. Learned the motto, camped outdoors, learned to live happily and have a good personality, washed dishes."

"Exactly what would I be shocked at?"

He knows what I mean. Why must he pry? I don't feel comfortable talking about that in detail with him, not after...after that. Just take the hint. I am dirty, I've been had by someone else-now leave me alone!

"Well, you know, Rin is a bad girl. Filthy thoughts and words."

"I sincerely hope that is all."

"...I'll tell you about it later when we're alone." I coughed. He is just impossible. "Can we stop by the candy bar?"

You can never go wrong with junk food! I got a big sundae with syrup and candy on it and everything. While I was eating it, all I could think about was how heavenly it tasted and nothing about my current situation entered my mind whatsoever. But soon it was gone, and I didn't want to go back in the car with him. I tried to delay it by going to the washroom, but he didn't want me to. A bit apprehensive about disobeying him, I listened.

Can you believe he actually kissed me in the car? Ew, ew, ew. By the time we got to a hotel, I was almost dying to get away from him. So imagine my shock when I found out we'd be sharing a room.

"If mom finds out, she'll kill us!" I exclaimed.

"Rin, listen to me. I am practically your father and I care about you." He said. So he knows that? And he still does this! "When we share a room, we become-"

"-The word is incest." I spat to his face. I can't believe it, I actually had the nerve to say out loud how I felt about his actions. Is this victory, somehow, that I got away with saying this? I couldn't help but giggle as I checked out the room. I had won, I felt good.

There was a sound of something shaking in a bottle behind me; I turned and saw Sesshomaru eat something that looked like blue candy. Due to my happiness from my supposed "victory", I felt cheerful and comfortable enough to approach him.

"Ooh, so blue!" I exclaimed. "What are they?"

"Pieces of the sky."

Idiot. "No, be serious."

"Vitamins. They're good for you, you should try some."

I held out my hands and accepted three. Mommy used to feed me these to make me stronger.

That night, sleep came to me much, much, much easier than normal. I found it hard to think straight or feel, or even to keep myself sitting up.

At first, I didn't know what it was he had done to me. I ignored the fear, sadness, insecurity and confusion in my heart and I tried my best to be nice to him. Whenever I doubted him, I brushed those thoughts away and made sure to be even more affectionate to him. I told myself those feelings I had back then when he...did that to me-the voices in my head that told me something was wrong-were just a figment of my imagination. I even made parallels of him to my favorite actor when I noticed their similar features.

But then camp came, and through my experiments, I found out exactly what it was that had happened.

Thinking about that makes me sick. Somehow, I feel the need to voice my thoughts...something in my head is not right.

"I made so many mistakes...we did so many disgusting, sick things." I said out loud to the wall. "Me, Kanna and Hakudoshi, we-"

"Silence." Sesshomaru put a finger to my mouth. I forgot he was there. "Go to bed."

I can't make out what he's saying. I can't keep my thoughts straight-where am I again? I am so dizzy. I can't even keep my head up. He's right, maybe I should just go to sleep.

Raising my foot, I clumsily set to taking my shoes off. I feel like eyes are on me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's probably nothing. I'm fine. Curling up in the bed in the shape of a Z, I shut my eyes tight and let sleep overtake me.

Yet I can't completely fall asleep.

It's quiet in here. The room feels strangely empty.

After a few moments, I felt something shift on the other side of the bed. When I opened my eyes, I saw a bunch of silvery white hair. Kind of like...

"...Kanna."

But it wasn't. Blinking my eyes and rubbing the sleep away from them, I saw that the person on the other side of me was Sesshomaru. Of course. He has the same color hair as hers. It's just that in my disgust and regret over what happened at camp, my head is filled with memories of pale, white-haired people and I seem to be unable to distinguish between them. Sighing, I turned over and attempted once more to sleep peacefully.

Just then the covers seemed to fly away from me, and I shivered, then rapidly sat up, blinking.

That Sesshomaru. What is he up to?


	9. Statutory Rape

He was scaring me with his antics. I felt sleepier than I had felt in a good while, but my nerves wouldn't allow me to rest. Fear and panic overtook me as I kept thinking about that one time when he ejaculated-or, as Hakudoshi had put it, "came"-while I was on his lap. He wasn't even touching me, but my mind keeps on flashing back to that moment.

Just his presence next to me makes me wanna throw up.

Though the mattress didn't creak, I can tell he's creeping towards me. It's like I've become some sort of hypersensitive superhuman through my nervousness. I tried to ignore my fear, but my mind bombarded me with memories of the last time we had been this close. His breath on my neck...

Gasping for air, I sat up, masking my fear by rambling about whatever I could think of, particularly boats. I tugged my sheets and tried to lay back down...but then he held me.

In my attempt to get free and yet not draw suspicion, I accidentally slapped him across the face. I wriggled and twisted out of his embrace and sat with my back to him.

Shit. My paranoia is cosuming me.

He left the room and came back with a drink in his hand.

"May I have some water too?" I asked, trying to sound as confident as I possibly could.

After gulping down the cold water in the paper cup he brought me, I shook my head and without thinking, wiped my lips on his shoulder. He couldn't possibly take even _that _the wrong way, could he? No, not even him. After all I did that all the time with mommy, and she didn't mind. I do that with my friends sometimes.

Sighing, I fell back and closed my eyes. I felt better.

Every now and then, I'd start feeling like he was coming for me again, reaching for me-but when I stirred, the weird feelings would stop. It's like when you feel like you're being watched or followed but when you look behind your back to make sure, nothing's happening-but when you look forward the feeling is there again.

But the night drifted away, and soon it was morning. I looked over at Sesshomaru, who was lying there with his mouth open, and giggled. From this angle, he really does look like Naraku.

Maybe it's my fault. Nothing happened after all, right? He probably isn't so bad.

I remember the tale of the Princess and the Frog, about the princess who was mean to the frog and was punished by having to do whatever he wanted and even had to sleep in his bed. I'd always thought she got what she deserved for being mean.

So what did that say about me? I had such a bad image of him, so much fear, so much doubt...and yet, all this time and nothing happened. He...masturbated against me once, but that was once. I guess I was overreacting. I was mean, a bad girl...if mommy finds out I was so mean, she'd be mad at me.

I tilted my head and studied him. He really is cute, I noted, and rolled over to his side, trying to comfort him somewhat and he awoke. That one time, he kissed me in the car and I pushed him away...even though I had kissed him before. Of course he doesn't know what I was really trying to do, but I still could've been better about it, no matter how scared I was. Feeling bad, I planted a peck on his lips. A small one-nothing like Hakudoshi had given me, but still.

Maybe I should make it up to him. I know what he wants. And maybe it wouldn't be so bad. After all, that Hakudoshi didn't really show me a good time, and he was bound to be more experienced. It's not like I don't think he's cute.

I wanna be a big girl. I don't understand what exactly it is about this game that makes it for grown-ups, but I'm mature for my age. I'm grown enough.

"Wanna play the game?" I whispered in his ear.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Game?"

"Uh huh. We played it in camp all the time!"

"...What game?"

I was dumbfounded. "You really don't know what I'm talking about? You never-" He nuzzled my neck a little. "Ew, lay off!"

That's not part of the game, is it?! I jumped away from him and kneeled next to him. "You never played when you were a kid?"

"No."

"Okay." I grinned. I feel special and mature. It looks like I'm the one that knows better! Something about that makes me feel so...I don't know, like a big girl.

So adults don't know about this. They're so useless. I felt powerful, showing this hopeless adults that us kids really were "mature".

Clumsily and quickly, I removed my clothes and his. I lowered myself between his legs and was shocked.

He is nowhere near Hakudoshi's size. I had been able to fit all of my peer inside my mouth easily, though it was nasty, I wasn't gonna sit there and look like a kid in front of Kanna. But this...this wouldn't be the same. He didn't taste the same. He was rougher, coarser, and I could barely get the tip in my mouth. I couldn't continue for too long.

Soon he flipped me over on my back, and I knew what he was gonna do. It scares me-Hakudoshi was much smaller than he is, and it still hurt. How in the world was he ever gonna fit?

But...I'm no coward. I won't run.

* * *

(A/N: I have no clue how some can say that Lolita had her own sexuality or that it was her fault when Humbert himself continuously admits that when they first met she was completely inexperienced and innocent and didn't know anything until AFTER Humbert molested her and then she went to camp, where she learned about what happened through Barbara and Charlie. That on top of the fact that Humbert is the one who took an innocent girl, manipulated her mother to get to her, tested sleeping drugs on her, kidnapped Lo, lied to her about her mother dying, and then drugged her to lower her inhibitions, and _only then_ did his tactics begin to work-and that's not even the end of it.

With that being said, children can definitely abuse each other. When a child's been sexually abused, nothing stops them now from passing on what they've received to other children-and later when they grow as well. In the book, the people that abuse Lolita up front (that is, to her face) first are other children-who I suspect have been abused themselves by someone else at some point.

That's not to say that all children who have been sexually abused will do this. But if a child acts this way, that is not normal behavior. Something is wrong with them. It is an adult's job to stop them, get them help and set them out on the right path, not take advantage of their confusion and manipulate them for their own personal, selfish uses. Here, Lolita-even with one sexual encounter under her belt-is utterly clueless, and sees sex as a way for her to fit in with other kids and show off how "grown" she is to the adults, and not what it actually is and the consequences that come with it and what she actually puts at stake. All she knows about sex is from one encounter with other children, who probably taught her the tiny bits and pieces you learn during adolescence. Hell, I've met kids who've had sex-and they don't even know what a condom is. What man in their right mind takes advantage of this? )


	10. Confession

(A/N: There are no explicit descriptions of sex in the book; I've put in the description based on what I think it would've been like, given the description of Lo's behavior by Humbert, and keeping in mind her lack of experience, and what lots of young teenagers tend to think about sex. I've heard teenagers talk about sex and they don't know these things-one girl even thought it was weird that lemons had the guys "suck the girl's boobs" because that wasn't in her biology book.)

* * *

Rin didn't have a clue what she was doing. She saw sex as a simple game-a "disgusting and sick" game, as she kept repeating, but still just a game that the "cool kids played". It wasn't something she was honestly desiring. I didn't get to penetrate her much because I was, as an adult, obviously too big to fit in her, as a twelve-year-old.

When it didn't work, she tried again. She ridiculously tried to jump into it with no foreplay whatsoever, when she was obviously dry and I would not be able to slide in her. Of course, the only other sexual encounter she had was with a tiny twelve year old boy who fit in her easily, so she probably didn't see the need to be wet. And I was sitting there still soft, nowhere near hard enough to enter her, and she tried to have sex anyway. Oh how shocked she was when she found out that if you try to put a soft penis inside you, it will not stay still, continuously fall out and flop everywhere like jell-o, making intercourse impossible.

She practically bit me off when she tried to give me oral, but I didn't say anything. Her movements were clumsy and she didn't know how to pace herself, hit the right spots, use the right movements or anything. She thought she could just put her mouth on it, move up and down and that was it. Not to mention her hands, and the fact that she wasn't aware that some men ejaculated in their partners' mouths during sex and some women actually swallowed. She thought ejaculation was something that happened during intercourse only, and she didn't even know that women came as well. To add to that, she didn't pay any attention at all to any other parts of the body, and was confused when I tried to suck her nipples. The girl didn't know her own body and was unable to guide me in pleasing her at all.

It was a frustrating experience to say the least.

Why is it that I have to suffer so much? Back in the day in Rome, a girl was considered fully grown at twelve. Many countries had children as brides due to political affairs, and the Muslim prophet Mohammed consummated his relationship with his wife when she was nine. And I was not even Rin's first lover.

She told me about her friends, many of them which had already had sexual encounters of their own. At camp she met Kanna, two years older and a great swimmer who had a thing for mirrors, and an extremely pale child who always wore white. At this description my mind flashed back to visions of the nymphet I had met outside in the lobby.

"We shared a canoe." said Rin, chewing on a banana. "Cause I was the only other girl who could pass the advanced swimming test. So anyway, every morning Hakudoshi would come and help us carry the boat to Onyx or Eryx. He's around thirteen or so. Crazy and has the bad-boy thing going on, it's kind of cute-plus he was the only boy around for miles, besides some old farmer guy."

She made a face and coughed; she must have taken a bite too big.

"Anyway, the three of us took a shortcut every morning through the forest and at first it was just Kanna doing things with Hakudoshi behind a bush." Rin threw the banana in a garbage can. "I didn't want to try what it was like, but then Hakudoshi would tease me about being scared and Kanna would stare at me." She frowned. "I'm not scared...don't they know? But they didn't believe me, and I got curious about what was going on...so me and Kanna would take turns sharing him. Good Lord, he could go on forever. It was...interesting to say the least, but gross. Disgusting is putting it lightly."

It was near ten, and Rin stood there naked with her back to me, facing a mirror. Someone tried to open the door-room service, I imagined-and I told Lo to hop in the shower. She had made a mess in the bedroom, throwing her stuff everywhere. When she came out, I gave her a new purse I had bought for her which had some money in it and told her to entertain herself in the lobby.

"I'll be back. Don't talk to strangers." I ordered like a caring father.

I packed quickly and called the bellboy up to get the bags. Rin sat in the lobby, reading a magazine in a red oversized chair. That is when I noticed a man about my age, creepy red eyes and a mass of oily black hair, staring at her over his newspaper.

Feeling unsettled, I paid quicky and walked with Lo to the car. That man seemed eerily familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

Rin stuffed her face at a nearby coffe shop. For some reason, her usual cheerfulness was gone. Was it anger? I waited for her to lash out at me and criticize me or something, but she didn't. When I tried to make small talk with her, she just grimaced and brushed me off. I felt more and more uncomfortable. This wasn't the Lolita I knew-this was more like a ghost. So much pain in those eyes...

"Rin. What is troubling you?" I asked.

"Nothing, you brute."

What did she just call me? And does she mean by that?

She was silent-Rin, the chatterbox was silent. Then I realized in fear that this was an orphan-a lonely, small child-who had intercourse with an adult twice her size three times that very morning. Is that why she called me a brute? And in my ignorance, I was afraid-not because of what I realized I'd done to her, but because I felt that her mood might prevent me from touching her again.

"Can we make a stop by the next bathroom?" She asked.

I nodded and did as told. She sighed from next to me.

"You idiot. You're gross." She wasn't angry. No, she had a smile on her face, though it wasn't one of her usual smiles. This smile was filled with melancholy and regret instead of the usual happiness and joy Rin's smiles held. "I was so innocent and look what you did. Ha." She chuckled tiredly. "I should tell the police and say you raped me."

Is she serious? Rape? Why on Earth would she be talking this way? She was smiling, but...what a way to joke.

"Dammit, I can't sit." she continued, shifting. "I think you tore something inside me."

That startled me so much we almost ran over a rabbit, and once again, Rin insulted me. I couldn't drive like this, and had to stop at a gas station.

"Can I borrow some money?" Lolita turned to me with an expression so broken it made me feel a twang of pain. "I wanna call mommy in the hospital."

I shook my head no. "You can't."

"Why?"

Without answering, I took off and left the station. She had to ask me this now, after I'd come so far in my plans, lying to her. Dammit. I had no story to give her.

"Sesshomaru? Why can't I call mom?"

The only option now is the truth. "Because your mother is dead."

From that point on, everything changed. Understanding her distress I bought her everything I could think of-magazines, candy, those comics she loves, nail polish, junk food, jewelry and anything I could think of that a twelve year old girl might like. But none of it worked. We had to get separate rooms at the next hotel we stayed in, and every night, I heard her crying herself to sleep.

Sometimes, she'd wake up in the middle of the night and come to me in her sorrow, seeking comfort. Somehow it didn't seem real, but I didn't really care as long as I got to keep her with me, even if it was only because she had nowhere else to go and the only other possible option she had was death.

* * *

(A/N: Like they always do, Humbert-or Sesshomaru in this case- continuously tries to justify his behavior by saying it was okay hundreds of years ago, and that it's okay in some other countries. Well, back in the day, slavery was legal, women were property and everyone believed the Earth was flat, and racism was considered factual. So I guess all that is totally okay too, huh? No. Just like we stopped doing these things because we realized they were wrong, society is growing out of pedophiliac practices because we have grown and have realized exactly how harmful it is and how much objectification it does.

Rin, out of juvenile curiosity and confusion, may have come to him, but it is completely ridiculous for him to interpret that as her wanting a deep relationship with him, especially as he noted himself, she became extremely sad afterwards. She constantly makes references to incest and rape, and though curious like adolescents are, expresses disgust-a clear sign she isn't emotionally ready. She reacted like a normal child that's not ready for sexual relations, ESPECIALLY with a grown man, would-with sorrow and pain.

But she now has no choice but to stay with him, and he's fully willing to trap her down and completely drain her of her personality, humanity and life, which is exactly what happens when an adult takes a child, forms a relationship with them in which they can earn their trust (aka brainwashing), and prepares them to have sex with them as soon as they hit a socially acceptable age. He's so into his brainwashing of her that he doesn't care that she cries herself to sleep, an obvious sign she regrets her decision and doesn't want this-and disregards her sorrow as "mysterious bad moods".

If he had developed feelings for her at a later age, it would have been no different. He still took advantage of a pre-existing parental relationship (like the one Rin had with Sesshomaru for THREE YEARS in the manga) to manipulate her and fulfill his own selfish desires.)


	11. Scare Tactics

Afterwards, Sesshomaru and I traveled from hotel to hotel, never staying in one place for too long. And the more time passed, the more I regretted my decision to reach out to him in that way. It was disgusting, it was a mistake, it was...stupid of me to act so quickly without even thinking of my consequences.

Even with these thoughts plaguing my mind, I didn't really verbalize them. Sesshomaru was at the time my only option. Where else would I go? Mother was dead, and there was no one to take me.

Mama.

I wish I had been nicer to her. If I had known she was gonna die like this, I...I don't know what I would have done. I regret that neither one of us took the time to get to know each other very well, and that I had not been more emotionally reliant on her. Maybe she would have been able to help me if we had been closer and things would never have gone this far, and I'd just be another normal kid.

Sesshomaru kept this a secret from me, and that is unnerving-I can't trust him. But as always, I kept it to myself. I'm always keeping everything to myself these days.

Now this may be because I am only thirteen, but I have no idea why adults always make such a big deal out of money. It doesn't seem like such a big deal to me! Does it really cost that much extra to get a nicer hotel with a nice atmosphere and some good food? It can't be that much extra, could it? And our..."funds", whatever they are, can't be that small, can they? What counts as a lot or a little anyway? All I know is some things are nice and other things are not. These...responsibilities and money-managing and other things adults talk about make no sense to me. I just wanna listen to the radio and go in the pool and have candy.

And it looks like it wasn't such a big deal for Sesshomaru either, because later he started bribing me with it.

He controlled my moods by threatening to keep me in exile with him at the ugly farmhouse I once stayed in for years if I did not change my attitude. Even while we were driving, if I did something he didn't like or threw a tantrum, he'd scare me by suddenly changing directions like he was about to head back to that farmhouse, and I'd scream "no" and do as told. But as we traveled farther and farther away from there, he could no longer use that as a threat because we were too far away and it'd take forever for him to get there. It wouldn't be believable.

Obeying his threats more and more often, I got used to the behavior he seemed to be trying to get me to adapt to.

The scariest thing of all was when he told me that all he wanted to do was protect me from what the legal system would do if they ever found out about our relationship. I heard of little girls like me being kept in coal sheds, alleyways and woods. My only hope for a good life was for him to become my legal guardian.

He wasn't the rapist, no, he said-that was Hakudoshi. He was just trying to "help" me, and him being practically my father, I should obey him. And what we were doing wasn't wrong-everyone else was crazy. He told me about the Sicilians, who were completely tolerant of sexual relations between fathers and daughters, and said that it was today's society that had become narrow-minded and discriminated against people like us.

"If you, as a minor, accused me of kidnapping you and having sex with you, what do you think would happen, Rin?" he asked. I just bit my lip. "I'd go to jail, and you'd become the ward of the state. They'll send you to the foster care system. Do you think they have nice things there, Rin? Those kids are treated like trash, carry their luggage in trash bags, and they move around a ridiculous amount-they switch families every few months. You'll go from reformatory schools to juvenile detention homes to girls' protectories, living with thirty-nine other girls who beat you up daily, locked away in dirty dormitories, under the supervision of uncaring, prejudiced, neglectful matrons."

Dammit.

I want mom to come get me.

"You're better off staying with me."

I hoped so. Even though I hated our current arrangement, the thought of telling, watching the police drag Sesshomaru away, and being taken to a strange and random place where no one knows me and I'd never been before-especially if those places fit his description-scared the living hell out of me. I had to stay with him, do what he wanted and keep him happy.

From that point on, I found it practically impossible to keep myself cheerful anymore. Sesshomaru, like always, tried to lift my mood by buying me things, and though I accepted, it didn't do anything. I felt...dead. There were days when the smallest things-a pretty sight, nice sound or beautiful photgraph-were enough to make me smile, but now, it just wasn't the same.

Sesshomaru tried to get me to appreciate the landscape, but it didn't happen; and soon, after wandering through mildly amusing tourist spots, we ended up in my birthtown of Beardsley.

One thing I loved about the trip, though, was the hitchhikers. That was the only time I got to mingle with other people besides Sesshomaru! Sometimes, we even came across boys my age, but Sesshomaru would undoubtedly get jealous (I could tell) and steer clear of them, and I had no opportunity for any normal interaction with the opposite sex. What did he expect? That I'd be okay with seeing no one but him all day?

But it didn't matter who we met. I was always a social person, and I want to be involved with conventional society and normal socialization. I want friends! I want normal relationships with boys my age. I didn't know that me coming to Sesshomaru that one time without thinking would convince him that I wanted to be with him for so long, but now...now I have no choice.

How could he not see that? How could he not see that I just wanted to live like a normal human being, with other humans? Did he think that I was interested in only boys or something? I could he think that, when I clearly talked to everyone-families, old ladies, women, and not just men? His eyes were always on me. And even if I had been flirting or something, how could he get so jealous when he was the one who had to threaten me to stay with him?! That in itself is proof he knew somehow that I didn't want this, and I wanted to be free! He knew he didn't have any claim on me.

Then it came to me.

Wasn't the best way to leave my current situation to get help from other people? In order to do that, I needed to make more friends, possible allies whom I could turn to if needed.

I became more and more detached from him as I struggled to reattach myself to regular life. He wanted to come with me when I went to trips with my friends-was he serious? What thirteen year old had her father (unwanted lover, too, but I couldn't say that) come along on trips with her peers? He actually followed me on an ice-skating trip with my friends and sat in the parking lot. Ugh, how embarassing! And I bet he judged them too, just because they acted immature, like normal teenage boys.

He always wanted to do that. I couldn't do anything without him on my tail, watching me, stalking me. As the days passed, what little symphathy I had for him disappeared. Too scared to do anything too forward, I settled on making small rude remarks about his little habits and making fun of our relationship-he still didn't get the clue.

To add to that, he always tried to get me to places where other girls my age would be. Why, so you can sit there and have those sick dreams about my friends, the ones you had about me? Would you get one of them while they were reading and manipulate them so that you can masturbate against them like you did to me when you first moved in my mother's house? Would you marry one of their mothers to get to them, and then kidnap them like you did to me? Would you trap and threaten them? There's no way I'll allow that.

But of course...I didn't say that out loud. I didn't tell him the real reason I refused to go play with the other girls. I just let him think I was a tomboy, and liked to do boyish activities.

From time to time, he'd try to sneak off with me to do things. Sexual things. I knew better than to try to run or reject him, but I always made sure to stay as close to other people as possible-somehow trying to be discovered. Somehow hoping that one of them would come and rescue me, I drew as much attention to myself as I could. And Sesshomaru, of course, did the opposite and tried to stay as secluded as possible.

I have no choice but to do this now, but...I'm gonna escape. Somehow. I gotta find a way to get away from Sesshomaru, and he can't notice that I'm planning to become free from him, lest he catch onto my plan and become one step ahead of me. For now, I go along with him and can't even get coffee unless I give him some sort of sexual favor-but I don't plan to sit here and fulfill his desire for me forever.

Someone help me. The life of a sex slave isn't what I want.

* * *

(A/N: The description of foster care above is perfectly accurate. But I'm telling you now-if you are in a situation like this, don't let that scare you. Foster care can only get you until you're eighteen, but an abuser will latch onto you and manipulate you for much, much, much longer if you don't stop them as soon as possible.)


	12. Calming Down

In the beginning, Rin had a casual curiosity for me and my world. As time went by and she actually experienced what it was like, that mild amusement quickly turned into repulsion and disgust. She hated it when I touched her and snapped at me, but I still managed to be happy. There is nothing in the world better than being able to touch a nymphet, and that in itself made me forget about all the times she'd pushed me away, all the trouble she gave me, and made it all worthwhile.

Once in a while, I'd have fantasies of recreating my childhood days with Kagura by taking Lolita to the beach like I had done with my first love in Riviera. I planned a visit to a cove on the Atlantic side, but had to cancel due to bad weather. We tried a couple of semi-tropical beaches on the Gulf, a California beach facing the Pacific, but all the beaches were either too lonely or too populous and we'd have easily been caught.

One summer noon we did find a secluded spot about a hundred feet or so from where we had parked and we were about to do our business when two women nearly walked in on us, and we came closer to detection than ever before.

"Dammit, why?" Rin kept sobbing afterwards. "Every time, every single time!"

But I laughed. It hadn't occured to me at the time she might have actually wanted to get caught and that's why she was still cursing me out as we drove off.

There were several incidents at movies, for we saw anywhere from one hundred and fifty to two hundred programs a year, mostly the musicals and westerns that Rin enjoyed so much (she had an explicit interest in theatre and Broadway). I would put my arm around her shoulder and people behind us would start mumbling, and that was enough for me to withdraw.

One night I told her about my plan to enroll her in Beardsley, a high-class non co-educational school.

"You what?!" She screeched at me. "You-you can't make me! You think you're my boss or something?!"

I ignored her and continued to drive, not bothering to point out that at this point as her guardian, I was her father and very much also her boss.

Keeping the latter in mind, I did strenuous research on the legal situation between the two of us. Some states prohibited a guardian from doing certain things without permission from the state while others did not. I also wondered if I, as a stepfather, could be considered a natural guardian or if I had to get legal permission from the state like a foster or adoptive parent and have them investigate Rin and I. Miroku was a lawyer and might have been able to give me solid advice, but at the time he was too busy tending to Sango, who had developed some sort of cancer and couldn't do much more than look after Sara's property. Plus it would make him suspicious if I had asked these kinds of questions after convincing him that Rin was my biological child. Not wanting to draw any more attention on us, I stopped seeking professional advice.

After that I decided to get a job at the Beardsley Women's College as a professor, and we could live there while Lolita went to school. It was a much better arrangement than continuously going from hotel to hotel and never knowing where we'd next rest our heads, and we'd only have to lay low for a couple of years until I could marry Rin.

And when she was no longer a nymphet, I'd have Lolita the Second-which Rin was bound to give me one day-to relieve myself with, and then a third.

I was a complete and utter failure as a father figure anyway. Yes, reader, no matter how much I tried to deny my parental responsibilities to her as the only parent she now had because I did not want to see our relationship as incestuous-in the end, I realized that the fact I was her adult guardian who was taking care of her, protecting her, providing for her and rasing her for this long made me a surrogate parent. But by the time I came to see that and stopped denying it to myself, it was too late for I'd already failed my duties.

Jaken, a small, wrinkly, short man with a green tint to his skin and toad-like warts everywhere took a liking to me around that time. He admired me, followed me, and obeyed my every whim like he was my servant or something, and being his acquaintance proved to be quite useful to me in the future. Keep in mind that though he did not seem like much and was indeed a simple man, Jaken was actually a brilliant French scholar and very competent when needed. This Sesshomaru does not associate himself with failures.

He rented a house for us and sent a little boy to give us the keys, and I soon visited the Beardsley School for girls in order to enroll Lolita there.

It was ridiculously disappointing. One would have thought that a school that cost so much would have provided some mental stimulation, but it seemed there was more emphasis on petty socialization and glamour.

"It is more important for a growing girl to learn to deal with the society around her than to memorize forgotten history." Kaede, the headmistress, said to me when we met. "Rin will learn to socialize, but there will of course be solid schoolwork as well-however, we are more concerned with our girls learning to communicate than for them to memorize lectures from old books about topics completely irrelevant to their lives."

I narrowed my eyes. "But would Rin also receive a sound education?"

"That would all depend on your definition of what a sound education is, wouldn't it?" Kaede smiled softly.

At first glance I did not approve of the school at all, but speaking to two rather intelligent women who had been schooled there and receiving confirmation that they did, in fact, do quite a lot of bookwork and hearing that the emphasis on socialization was just an attempt to add a touch of modern appeal to their program made me reconsider.

Plus the house we had moved into had a pretty nice view of the school playground. I could already imagine myself watching Rin and other nymphets from the window freely while they played during recess.

* * *

I was on civil, yet distant terms with our neighbors-distant partly because I was worried about them becoming too involved for their own good in things that just aren't any of their business. I also worried that Lolita might confide in them somehow and never left them alone together. The only person that I ever allowed inside was Jaken, who sometimes watched over Rin while I was gone, kind of like a babysitter. He was naive, clumsy and a never-ending source of amusement, and Rin spent a lot of time laughing at his antics.

The sound of her laughter had increasingly become rarer and rarer during our relationship, and I found that I quite enjoyed seeing a piece of the bright child she had formerly been rather than the sulking teenager she had turned into. Therefore I allowed Jaken to be in her company, and did not worry about his relationship with her since I had deducted that he liked little boys, not girls.

How did I know? He fit the profile of somebody like me exactly, and by now I knew enough to be able to recognize someone else like me.

Jaken, despite his occasional idiocy, was loved for being funny and was immensely popular. At the same time he was childish, thought very much like a child, and saw children as his equals-for in a way, they kind of were in their mental states. When it came to little boys, he would interpret the smallest things as sexual behaviors that no one else would be able to see, and he'd make small comments to me about it.

He knew all the names of the little boys in the neighborhood-and due to his popularity, no one questioned him. In fact, they'd actually urge him to make friends with these children, and made it even easier for him to gain access-if only it had been so easy for me. But Jaken had people pampering him and offering to do chores for him, something he took advantage of to the fullest.

And Jaken would lure the boys to him by giving them chocolate with drugs laced in them.

Two or three times a week he'd come to me, I'd try to brush him off, but end up somehow playing chess with him. Those games were an annoyance, as he'd easily get distracted and I'd constantly have to point out if he was in check or not. But from there, we could hear the sound of Rin's steps as she practiced her dance routines downstairs, and that gave me a strange sense of comfort.

Sometimes, she came upstairs to watch us.

"What are you doing?"

"Are you blind? We're playing chess!" He'd snap. "Now get back to practice."

Rin would pick up once of his chess pieces and toss it at him. "Who're you bossing around?"

He'd fuss, and she'd giggle at him the way she'd stopped giggling around me years ago. In his distraction I would have laid out some sort of trap for him on the board, and his eyes widened trying to figure out what had exactly happened and how he was going to overcome it this time.

I needed him there. With him there, everyone would take their attention away from me and focus on him instead. He made me look better in comparison, and if they were to suspect anyone, it'd be him, not me.

* * *

Rin had a pretty good amount of allowance, not to mention that I constantly gave her small presents. I'd request additional sexual favors from her in exchange, and pretty soon she started to demand money from me before encounters of any kind. At that time, I thought she was just becoming spoiled and I could not fathom why on Earth she would start to act like this.

At first she earned about three pennies a day, then she demanded around three nickels. Slowly she became a tougher negotiator as her prices went up. She must have been aware that I could not go for too long without touching her, for soon she was charging three to four bucks for a simple hug.

But I did not allow her to keep that money.

When she was gone at school, I snuck in her room, searched through her mess and took the money right back. When confronted, she tried to accuse some neighbors of stealing-but I knew better.

The reason I disapproved of her behavior was not because I feared she was becoming materialistic, no. It had nothing to do with that.

At the time, with the permission she had received from me to participate in her school's theatre program, she was drifting further and further away from me by the day. I guess it is normal for a girl to slowly become more independent of her father, but back then, I saw it differently.

The reason I didn't want her to have money was because I feared she was trying to escape, and I didn't want her to save up enough money to run away from me.

* * *

(A/N: The above description of Jaken that Sesshomaru gives contains many accurate, extremely common traits among pedophiles. **Not all people with these traits are pedophiles**-they are just very common. They do tend to be immature and think/act like in very juvenile manners, see children as their equals (hence why they think it's okay to be involved with children), interpret childish platonic affections as romantic things and attach romantic connotations to situations where there are none-and it isn't exactly rare for them to also be victims of abuse since abuse during childhood tends to stunt emotional/mental growth if not properly dealt with. They do tend to be very popular (some use their popularity and influence to ruin the child's reputation just in case the truth ever comes out and they need the child to receive the blame), and that gives them free reign to do whatever they want and even be able to gain support from the people around them. And yes, they do spend lots of time grooming not only the children, but the adults around them in order to lower their inhibitions and gain their trust, and weild even more influence than they already do.)


	13. Calming Down Part II

(A/N: I'd like to thank the people who read this with an open mind even though it wasn't the kind of thing they'd usually read about these two. I appreciate that.)

* * *

Rin's plan is underway, and she is saving up money. I will be out of here as soon as possible.

I think Sesshomaru is becoming paranoid about my meeting boys. I could go to the dance with a group of my friends, if invited by a socially acceptable group in Butler's Academy for Boys, and I could have parties with groups of boys and girls at the house-but even then he continuously watched me, and I was never allowed alone with a boy despite my protests.

Except for Shippo. Shippo was homosexual, and had been in contact with Jaken in...weird ways. I do not understand Jaken sometimes...but hey, he's good company.

One night, after a group outing with a bunch of kids from school, a boy gave me a ride home, and we stopped in front of the house to chat a little bit before I went inside. I could've sworn I saw the curtains move from the upstairs window in Sesshomaru's room, like he was watching us, and when he drove off the curtains swished closed. Asides from talking, I was never spent much time with any boy so I don't know where this paranoia came from.

Because of my own experiences with him, I knew where his tastes led-young girls my age. Therefore I never brought any of them home. I refused to spend too much time socializing with other girls for fear that one of them would end up like me. One of them might become seduced by his looks, and being naive young girls, get attached to him, go along with him and then...find out what it's really like. I can't have that happen, so the only person my own age that I kept for company was Shippo. He was my only normal friend.

Shippo was also on the play with me, and he'd come home after school to work on _The Taming Of The Shrew_. He told me one day that Sesshomaru had come to him and asked him if I had any boyfriends, and he told the truth and said that besides the occasional celebrity crush, I did not have any interest in boys. Shippo also told me that Sesshomaru had drilled him with question after question after question about the dance, how it went, if I had been active and had a good time, was I doing well at school, what he thought of me, and anything he could think of.

"But he is gorgeous, that Sesshomaru!" Shippo exclaimed that day.

I sighed and rolled my eyes in digust. If he only knew, he wouldn't be saying that. Good thing that Sesshomaru was completely straight and I knew that Shippo, unlike my female friends, was in absolutely no danger.

The truth was, after my first consensual sexual encounter with Hakudoshi taught me about what had happened with Sesshomaru, I developed a distaste for boys in general. Well, the straight ones. And my relationship with Sesshomaru confirmed all of my suspicions. The male species were disgusting, foul, and sick no matter how old they were. Little boys-little Hakudoshis would grow up to be men-Sesshomarus-and then turned around and did things to girls like me. Only boys like Shippo, who had no taste for the opposite gender, did not.

That is my opinion, and I don't care what anyone else tells me.

Girls and boys develop their opinions and views about the opposite sex and relationships based on what they witness in their father figures and their parents' relationships. Since I do not really remember my real father, the person who had become the most influential father figure, the most prominent adult male in my life was Sesshomaru, whether he wanted to be or not, whether either of us liked it or not. He was the one with that responsibility.

And look what he taught me.

I don't even wanna think about what kind of relationship he had with mother.

Shaking my head, I returned to my homework. The door opened and Sesshomaru walked in for what I felt was the fifth night in a row. Goddamit, what does he want now?

"Not again." I sighed in exasperation.

He tilted his head and, ignoring my feelings, reached for me. I shrugged him off. "Can you please leave me alone? Please, please."

Finally he left, and I put my head in my hands. It's times like these that I wish mommy was still here. She would've been able to do something. Even if she was gonna shout at me, even if we had to fight again, I'd be happy if only mother would come and take me away with her. I'd happily listen to her complain forever.


	14. A Brief Meeting

One monday afternoon sometime in December, Kaede called me into her office to talk.

"Mr. Sesshomaru, are you a conservative father?" she asked.

I just stared at her, wondering what her point was.

"...Rin isn't maturing...sexually." she explained, taking her eyes off of mine. "I was wondering if you had the...talk with her yet."

This ridiculous woman. What is she trying to say? I raised my eyebrow at her. "Elaborate."

"Rin is very defiant, and will not listen to her teachers." she continued. Perhaps my stare was making her uncomfortable, but I didn't care. "We love her. She is very bright, and a great singer-but her vocabulary contains a great deal of swear words, she sighs in class constantly and she will not stop chewing gum. I understand she has no regular chores at home?"

I nodded in affirmation.

She snapped her fingers. "Maybe that has something to do with it-she is becoming spoiled. I mean-not to say that she's spoiled or anything, but it's time for her to take on some adult responsibilities. After all, is that something a husband would tolerate from her?"

Funny how in a way, I actually was kind of her husband...and I was tolerating it. But I guessed most normal couples did treat the woman as an adult.

"She is not very good with her emotions. Some of her teachers are wondering if she actually has that much control over her emotions, or if it is because she has no emotions. She does not verbalize her feelings with the rest of us, unless she is snapping at someone. And, well...let me get to the point." she said finally after what seemed like years of babbling. "We are concerned that she doesn't seem to be aware of sexuality at all-it's kind of like she isn't even human. I wonder, does she know what it is yet? I an aware that conservative families sometimes refrain from talking about the birds and the bees. At fourteen, she should be gaining some sort of interest in boys."

"She meets boys from time to time." I answered.

Kaede nodded. "That is good, but I'm afraid she's still not maturing normally. I think you should let her take part in the upcoming play-she's very good at that kind of thing, and she'll have plenty of chances to socialize there. Some instructors are concluding that Rin is acting this way because she is suppressing her own sexuality and allows herself no outlet. She is antagonistic and frustrated like she's locked in a cage. And the teachers do wonder-why are you so opposed to the natural recreations of a growing girl?"

I frowned. "Do you mean sex?"

"No, no, of course not. Not at this age." She shook her head. "But she should be going out and having healthy relationships with boys her own age."

Scoffing, I turned away. "Rin can be in the play if she desires, as long as the male parts are being played by girls."

Shaking her head, she smiled. "I guess I was right. You're quite conservative. Well, I'm glad you have been so cooperative-we don't have to have her analyzed after all."

Overwhelmed by the urge to choke this annoying old woman, I left her office as soon as I could and found Lolita in the study room, reading with another girl, studying dialogue in a book about dramatics.

It was quiet, the other girl a pretty little blonde who could've passed for a nymphet herself had she been a year or two younger. I walked in unnoticed and sat in the chair next to Lolita. Tapping her on the knee, I slipped her sixty-five cents and a piece of paper that gave her permission to participate in the school play. She looked up at me and knew what I wanted.

Rin slipped her hand under the desk, careful not to arouse suspicion from the other child, slipped her hand in my pants and began to stroke me. All for sixty-five cents and a part in a play.

* * *

Lolita became very sick around Christmas, and as soon as she recovered, I kept Kaede's words in mind and reluctantly let her throw a party that included boys. Rin looked like an angel in her little orange dress with her hair done up but no longer like a tiny little girl, and for a moment I felt a surge of fatherly pride.

The girls decorated a small fir tree and plugged it in the living room, and spent night after night going through records. I stayed in my study upstairs but every twenty minutes or so I came back down, being extremely careful like I had been back when we lived in Sara's home.

To my relief, it was unsuccessful. One girl did not come and one of the boys brought his cousin, so the boys outnumbered the girls by two. They could hardly dance, so the kids then retired to the kitchen to talk about card games, word games, drink ginger ale and talk about school. And after everyone left, Rin plopped down on the couch, sighing in disgust and fatigue.

"Those are the most digusting group of boys I've ever met."

That's my girl.

The rest of the year went by. I gave her presents like bicycles and books of paintings and while I enjoyed watching her ride the bike, I am rather disappointed that she was unable to appreciate good art. But then again, what can you possibly see in paintings as a teenage girl? And by the time spring came around, she had begun rehearsing her part in the school play.

Rin was obsessed with the stage and everything that had to do with it. She had been assigned the role of a farmer's daughter who thought she was some sort of witch. This girl came across a book on hypnotism, enchanted various different hunters, and then ended up falling under another poet's spell herself-that poet played by her friend Shippo.

At the time I did not pay attention to who the playwright had been. I didn't care. To me, it was just another ridiculous, overly-romantic fantasy piece meant for schoolchildren.

Once again, I was stupid.

* * *

(A/N: On the above focus on the girls being raised right for husbands-the book was written in the 1950's, when women still didn't have much value outside of staying home for their men.

I was wondering whether to give the play the same name as the one in the novel or to call it the Shikon or something-but seriously, they're not in Japan so why would they call it that? I got confused so I decided not to give it a name at all.)


	15. Turning The Tables

A savior has come to Rin's life through the school play, and everything is going according to plan. I sat at the kitchen table, studying the script and consuming a piece of pie and checking through everything in my head when Sesshomaru just randomly burst in the door and stood in front of me, staring.

Slowly I met his eyes. What, did he think I was scared of him or something? Most other people might have been frightened of him, but I'd been with him for such a long time now that I was used to it.

"You've been skipping your piano lessons." He stated coldly.

I shrugged. "I went to the park to rehearse scenes from the play with Shippo. If you don't believe me, you can call him."

Ha. The audacity of me-he couldn't even faze me anymore. Not many could say that and I felt superior as I watched him dial Shippo's number. From here I could hear his side of the conversation, and I knew I had nothing to worry about. Shippo knows what to say. He'd even offered to take the blame for it should anything happen. Uninterested, I moved to the living room and sat down on my favorite living chair.

I bit my nails and looked up at him innocently as he came into the room, stretching my feet out and resting them on a footstool.

His eyes widened and I could not help but let a small smirk overtake my face. I was fifteen now, no longer the little twelve year old girl I was when he first took advantage of me. Did he really think I was gonna be a child that he could control forever? Was he really that naive? No, I could see it in his eyes. He was noting how much I had changed.

"So, what happened?" I spoke up. "Did Shippo corroborate?"

He scoffed. "He did. But you cannot convince me that the two of you aren't lying." Sesshomaru paused. "You've told her about us, haven't you?"

"Hmm. I don't know, have I?"

Oh. My. God. This feels so good. I was the victim, the abused, the used-and now, I am laughing in his face! I love it.

"Rin." He said, drawing in a barely noticeable breath. I'd been with him long enough to see things others aren't able to. "Stop this foolishness. If you don't shape up, I'll pull you out of Beardsley and send you back God knows where."

"Oh you will, now, will you?"

He snatched the stool that I had been rocking my foot on out from under me, and my foot fell. "Hey!"

"Go upstairs." He raised his voice at me-a rarity for him, and I felt a twinge of fear. Would he hurt me? No, but he grabbed me and pulled me up from the couch I was sitting on. I pushed him away.

"I will not!" I shouted at him. "I hate you! Don't you remember?! When we were living with mom, you violated me! You probably did it a couple of times and took advantage of the fact I didn't know what was going on! And in fact, you know what?" I took a deep breath. "I think you killed my mother! You don't own me! As a matter of fact I'll sleep with the first man who comes my way to piss you off!"

He grabbed my wrist and started dragging me upstairs, ignoring my yelps of pain. "You are to go upstairs and show me all your little hiding places."

"Let me go!" I screamed as I twisted and turned, trying to wrench myself free. I had no idea he was this strong-it hurt just to struggle against him! I don't think he was even trying-in fact I think he was holding his strength back. That knowledge made me panic.

The phone rang, and Sesshomaru let go of me to go answer it. Now was my chance-as I ran down the steps I could hear him apologizing to the neighbor about all the noise his daughter's friends were making. I ran out the door and found the nearest telephone booth.

My savior-he would come and get me. I used a few spare coins I had to call him and come up with a plan. But soon I saw Sesshomaru driving towards me in his car, and I hung up. It is okay. I have a plan now, a place to go. I just have to think this through, do as my savior told me to do, use my charms-I already know what he likes-and I'll be free. I walked out of the booth and to Sesshomaru with a flourish, feeling victorious.

"Dad, I'm sorry. I tried to reach you at home but...no need, I guess." I explained. "Can you buy me a drink first? I'll explain everything."

He was suspicious, but I made sure to use all the right body language-especially the ones that were childlike that would appeal to someone like him- combined with some solid acting, and he bought me a coke. Meanwhile, the drizzle outside turned into a downpour.

"I really have to apologize for the way I've been acting." I said, clasping my hands together and furrowing my brows to look stressed. "Truth is, daddy, it's not you that I'm mad at. I don't hate you. The reason I've been so difficult is because I really hate Beardsley and I hate that play. I wanted to leave and never return, but I felt like you'd be disappointed in me for qutting so I didn't tell you. What I really want to do is...I wanna leave and never come back. I wanna drive around like we used to do-but this time, I wanna be the one to choose where we go."

If I can manage to get him to agree to this, I am gonna be one step closer to my freedom. Looking in his eyes, I saw...enlightenment? Relief? That was excellent-I knew he wanted to do that deep inside!

"...Can we do that, please?" I said sheepishly.

He took a while to answer, but he did. "...Fine. I supposed it will be in our best interest."

When we got home, I milked it for all it was worth and even asked him to carry me upstairs, claiming that it was because I was feeling romantic. Rin is escaping. She is gonna be free!

* * *

He told the school he'd been offered another job and that he was planning to return. Excited, I mapped out every single little part of our trip, leaving no detail overlooked. And today, we were leaving.

"Rin? Oh, Rin!" My acting coach pulled up beside us, and I motioned for Sesshomaru to slow down so I could talk to her. "Good luck on your move."

"Oh, thank you."

"What a shame it is though, that you couldn't finish the play. You're so talented, it'd be a shame to go on without you. Not to mention that the playwright himself was so taken with you. Well, I'll see you around."

That was close. She almost said too much. "Green light." I pointed out to Sesshomaru, who seemed to be deep in thought.

"...Taken with you?" He muttered. "Who wrote that play?"

Oh, no. If he finds out, everything will be for nothing. "Some woman. I think her name was Naru."

"Naru...?"

"Yeah, she complimented me. Liked my acting." I fibbed, my heart pounding.

He huffed arrogantly. "It is a good thing you gave up the play. This whole acting business is absurd."

I said nothing. If he only knew.

* * *

(A/N: In these kinds of relationships, the most prominent adult male figure in the girl's life becomes the father figure whether they like it or not. But when you're in this kind of relationship-with your father figure at that-way too soon, how can you grow? A girl this age is supposed to meet other kids her age, boys included, socialize, and be a bit rebellious. There is nothing abnormal about Lolita's behavior in the book for a teenage girl-it is the fact that Humbert sees her in a romantic way, and thus does not want her doing these things, that stunts her growth, maturity and development and robs her of her childhood and youth.

I repeat: If you are the central male/female adult in a child's life, you are their mother/father figure whether you want to be or not, and you have responsibilities. However when you start having desire for them you do not see them for the children that they are-you see them as the image of the lover that you have in your mind. You cannot love someone you don't know-therefore this makes it impossible for you to love the child themselves for you only love the idea you have in your head. That will push the child away and make them resist you, especially an adolescent who is trying to find their own identity. And of course, you fail your responsibilities.

Another note: the part where Rin says she knows Sesshomaru touched her even before everything happened with her mother occurs in the book, meaning Lolita was aware all along that Humbert had been molesting her, and the fear/suffering was there alla long and did not just pop up after her mother's death.)


	16. Back On The Road

Rin and I once again left to travel. I kept a very close watch on her, not wanting her to be in contact with anyone I didn't know, but I'm not sure I was successful.

We once stopped at a gas station and she slipped out of her seat, the raised hood of the car shielding her from my sight. After I was done with my car and moved it, I became increasingly aware of her absence, and my nervousness sent me into some sort of hyper-sensitive zone where it felt like my senses had been enhanced to superhuman levels. Then I saw Lo returning to me just as Sara's dying cry resonated in my head.

I felt uncomfortable letting her go to phone booths or even bathrooms.

She often changed her mind about destinations and hotels for no apparent reason, and sometimes wanted to stay in one place longer than she had originally intended. Once she wanted to go to Kasbeam because it was not too far away from where she used to live, but in the morning she was too tired to go. That was alright with me because I didn't want to risk running into any old "friends".

"If you had felt that I was against it completely, you wouldn't have given it up so easily." I noted to her. "You would've persisted just to spite me."

She sighed. "Ugh, I'm out of it. Can I stay in bed until like, noon? With some magazines and stuff for me to read. Then we can keep going west."

I left her to do as she wished and went outside, just admiring the view on my walk. For some reason I felt nervous, though, and I quickly returned to the hotel room where I found Rin completely dressed, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at me in slight surprise.

"You've been out."

Rin shrugged. "I got up and went out to see if you were coming back."

The feelings of paranoia, the suspicion I had in my mind grew stronger. What was she up to? I couldn't put my finger on it, so I did not say anything and let Rin start eating the fruit I'd bought for her while I was out. Then I looked out the window and saw the man next door grin. When I stepped outside, every car except his was gone, and his pregnant wife, baby and child were climbing into his station wagon.

"Where are you going?" Lolita called.

Not replying, I pushed her onto the bed, ripped off her shirt and shoes and started sniffing her for signs of infidelity, but could not find any solid evidence.

There was a chess box that Jaken had given me that was too flat to keep chess pieces in. Now I used it to store the .32 caliber, pocket automatic gun with a capacity of eight magazine catridges that I had inherited from Sara's first husband. It now kept me company at night as I stayed up on guard. I was glad that Miroku, who was remarkably skilled with his own gun, had taught me to use it a few years earlier.

My suspicions grew stronger and stronger. A red convertible kept on following us, and one day I saw its driver. The driver's red eyes seemed to pierce into mine for a second until I had to turn away and pay attention to where I was going. I pulled up at a filing station and he stopped a bit behind us at a cafe. I walked in to pay for gas and as I was signing the check, I caught a glimpse of the man's mass of black hair.

And Rin was talking to him. The way she spoke to him hinted that the two were quite familiar with each other, and it sickened me. He walked back to his car and when I returned, Lolita was sitting there studying a road map.

"Who was that?" I demanded.

Rin shrugged. "Some guy. I gave him directions."

Biting my lip, I got into the driver's seat and drove on.

"That man's been following us all day." I said. "He may be a cop. I've already told you about what would happen to you if you went and told the police about us, haven't I?"

She laughed. "The worst thing to do in front of a cop is to act scared. So drop it, dad."

The next day, the red car was once again at our tail. There was not much traffic and no one even got in between us, but I managed to evade him. It was then that Rin announced that she had misread the tour book, and we drove around until we ended up at a theatre by mistake. So we decided to go see the play, one that I did not care much about at all. The light effects were annoying and the acting was mediocre. The only good thing about it was when seven little nymphets-one for each color of the rainbow-paraded out onto the stage, giggling.

I wondered about the play's authors, Naraku and Abi, as applause filled the room to signify the end of the play and Rin and I went towards the exit. Lolita's eyes sparkled as she admired the stars, and I was just in a hurry to get back to our cabin.

"That Abi woman, I think I've seen her somewhere." I said out loud as we slipped into our seats.

Rin shook her head at me. "Abi is not a woman. Naraku is. Her real name is Naru but she wants to go by a man's name cause it's easier to get respect that way."

I slowly turned my head towards her. "Didn't you have a crush on an actor named Naraku, back in the day?"

"What? Are you stupid?" Lolita giggled. "That man was a fat dentist!"

* * *

_Dear Rin:_

_The play was great! Of course it would have been better if you were here, but the girl they found to play your part was decent enough. Me and my family are moving to New York the day after tomorrow, and I might have to go with them to Europe. I guess that means I might not be able to meet you when you get back, huh? But promise to keep in touch._

_Love,_

_Shippo_

That was the letter I found and was reading when I realized that Rin had disappeared. I hopped into my car and drove, looking for her, asking every person that I came across of her whereabouts until I came across her in the middle of the street, and I instructed her to get in the car.

"Sorry about that. I came across a girl I used to go to Beardsley with and I couldn't leave her alone." she explained.

"I have a list of all the students with me, Rin. What was her name?"

"...I mean, she didn't go to school with me, she was someone I knew from town."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "What did you do?"

She shrugged. "We had some cokes."

"Where, over there?" I pointed to a store nearby, and Rin nodded. "I can ask the soda man."

"No, no! It was further down, I think."

This wasn't getting us anywhere. My next plan was to tell her that I had written down the liscence plate number of the car following us. As I had not memorized it, I was unable to fill in the blanks when I pulled out the pad that I had written it down on and saw that some of the numbers had been erased. Silently I put the pad away and drove off while Rin pulled out one of her comic books.

After driving around three or four miles, I turned into a park and Lo looked up at me with a half-smile. It was like she was mocking me.

Then without thinking, I delivered a backhand slap to her cheek.

"Ah!" she screamed, and then I realized what I had done. It wasn't a hard slap, but it could've hurt a small girl like her. After all these years, no matter how much she unnerved me, the most I'd done was shove her or drag her to get her moving but this time...I had hit her. I hated myself so much that night.

She cried. She cried and cried, and afterwards she tried to reconcile with me by having sex with me. I didn't turn her away, and I felt even more remorse and shame for that.

That night, I looked for the red car that had been following us and found him sitting in a completely different car. The man had been switching vehicles all along. He continued to change convertibles, and at one time, he drove a blue car that was nearly indistiguishable from our own. It nearly drove me insane trying to look out for him.

One day during our usual chase, my car got a flat tire and he stopped not far away from us. Meaning to confront him, I started to walk towards him and he backed away a little. Then a truck came out from behind him, passed me, and then honked. I instintively looked back at my own car to see it slowly creeping away.

Lo was at the wheel, trying to drive, I think in an attempt to distract me from confronting him. And he took advantage of my hesitation to make a U-turn and speed away.

"Aren't you gonna thank me?" said Rin when I returned to her side. "It started rolling away by itself, and I saved us."

From then on, I started keeping the gun in my pocket.


	17. Escape

I think Sesshomaru had distaste for my acting because he knew I learned some techniques there that I later used to deceive him. Regardless, he sometimes had me dance for him, offering me some sort of treat or gift, his eyes following the movement of my limbs. Another thing he liked watching me to was play tennis-he found all sorts of games attractive, as I could see something in his eyes when he played chess with Jaken. It was something about competition that thrilled him, and it made me wonder how he'd be at something as competitive as fighting.

Scary, I'd bet.

One day at a hotel in Colorado, I had my savior send him an urgent note saying that the Beardsley School had called, and he had to cut our tennis match short. My savior took the oppurtunity to come and play tennis with me while discussing our plan. But he must have realized that the school had no way of finding us there, because we thought we saw him watching us through a window, and my savior left swiftly.

"Who was that just then?" He asked when he returned.

I looked at him, making my best confused expression. "Who? I didn't see anyone, did you guys?"

The other pair who had been playing there shook there heads as they'd been instructed when paid.

"It's such a gorgeous day!" I stretched and grinned. "I wanna change into my swimsuit. Let's spend the rest of the day at the pool."

I knew he couldn't resist that.

At the pool, my savior sat far away enough for Sesshomaru to not notice him, but close enough for me to be able to recognize him at the spot he promised to be. Spotting a dog, I moved to play with it so that his eyes would have no reason to come across my savior while watching me. The dog adjusted a little red ball in its jaws, and I tried to snatch it from him, giggling, making a scene.

Soon, I'd be out of there. I'd be out. It's okay if I flirt with my savior now-I'm so close to escaping that it wouldn't matter. I waved proudly and winked flirtaciously.

* * *

"Ugh. I feel terrible." I announced that night.

He must have thought I was just trying to avoid his touching me, because he started putting his hands on me, making me recoil. The idiot didn't know that I had managed to purposely get myself a bit sick. That was the whole point of spending the day basically half-naked. I hid a knowing grin when he pulled away, probably shocked that he had felt an actual fever. When he undressed me he examined my lower body, and saw that I was red. After all sorts of examinations and tests he carried me to the car and drove me to the hospital.

"What is the child's age?" asked the secretary.

"Practically sixteen." Sesshomaru lied.

For the first time in two years, we were separated.

Sesshomaru visited me in the hospital around eight times, bringing me gifts, and I made sure to be as agreeable and pleasant as I possibly could. The last time he visited, he was curious about a letter on the table.

"Um, excuse me, those are from my boyfriend." The nurse corrected.

I scoffed. "Thanks for the funeral flowers, though. Appreciate them."

He stood, staring out of the window and looking at the mountains. "We'll leave this town as soon as you get out of bed."

"Well then, get my clothes ready." Nothing he could say could faze me.

He ignored me. "There's no point in staying here."

"There's no point in staying anywhere."

He said nothing and just sank back into his seat. I could make out his eyes darting around the room, observing the various nurses and the hospital and I wondered: would I miss this man? I quickly shook that thought out of my head, and as they were replaced with memories of him touching me, my resolve to go through with my plan became stronger.

The next day was the day that my savior and I had decided on-the day I would make my escape. He checked me out of the hospital claiming to be my uncle.

Briefly, as I glanced back, I wondered how he would take it when the doctors informed him that I had left with my uncle. He'd probably vow to get revenge and kill the person that had taken me. They'd probably struggle to get him to leave the hospital.

But I have no time to think of him now.

Rin is free. Rin is finally free, and she is escaping.


	18. Another Letter

Whoever it was that took Rin, I swear on my father's grave that I will kill him. This Sesshomaru will have his head; I am sure of it.

Following Rin's escape from me, I retraced our routes and revisited all the hotels we'd stayed at. I'd pretend to casually flip through the hotel register, timing my inquries carefully so that I did not attract any unwanted attention. Out of the three hundred or so books I looked at, around twenty of them showed that the man had made stops even more than we did, signing into hotel registers using various creative and sophisticated fake names.

I suspect that he and Rin had been in touch since the very beginning of the trip.

When I returned to Beardsley, I became paranoid about a male art teacher who had once taught at Lolita's school, and I waited outside his classroom for him with my gun in my pocket, intending to confront him. Then I realized that I had become ridiculous-just because he taught one class there didn't mean anything. So I got in touch with a detective, but he soon proved himself incompetent and useless.

Writing this memoir of sorts keeps making me forget that these events are in the past. I even tried to rid myself of her posessions, but it seems like Rin is still here with me, haunting me.

In my loneliness, I began a relationship with a woman twice Lolita's age whom I had met one May evening somewhere between Montreal and New York in a bar. She was a bit drunk and kept insisting that we had gone to school together; I was hesitant at first, but when she sobered up she proved to be kind and selfless just like Kagome had been, but unlike Kagome, she was controlled, mature and shall I say, a bit stoic-kind of like myself. So I gave Kikyo, the Kagome look-a-like, a try.

Kikyo quickly became embarassed by her initial behavior and explained that she did not usally drink so much; she was just having trouble getting over her divorce.

"You know, my ex-husband actually kind of looked like you." she noted. "Until he went and ran off with that tramp. But that was years ago, and we're just now getting the divorce finalized."

Maybe she was only trying to replace his memory with me, but I didn't care. I was too busy secretly drowning in my own sorrows, and she and I stayed together for two years. Her calm demeanor was unlike the upbeat women I was used to, and she saved me from going insane. During those days, I gave up on my search for Rin and just enjoyed her boring, yet sane company.

Still, every time we were on the road, I couldn't help returning to the old hotels to relive momories of Lolita, though I couldn't bring myself to actually enter them.

Once, I left Kikyo at a bar to go check out one of the hotels I had stayed in with Rin, but could only stare at the front door. When I came back she smiled at me wistfully.

"Soon you're gonna leave me, just like everyone else." She concluded.

I said nothing. We just went back to the car, drove up to New York, and when we got back home she seemed reasonably content.

Back then, I paid her words no mind, but it turned out she had been right. We gradually spent more and more time away from each other until we were living apart, though we'd visit each other. On one such visit, I discovered two letters.

The first was from Miroku, who was hysterically informing me about Sango's death. I was shocked-I expected him to remain the rational, level-headed man I knew him as even through losing his wife to cancer. But he was saying that he could no longer look after Sara's affairs and he was handing everything over to another lawyer named Totosai.

However, he was determined to get his life back together, and he had re-married to try to start a family. He was saddened that we were unaware of Rin's whereabouts and wished us all the best.

The second letter I read shook my entire being.

_Father,  
How have you been? Rin is now married and pregnant, expecting a baby around Christmas. My apologies-I still sometimes speak in third person. It's a habit that I seemed to pick up from you. Kohaku has been promised a job in Alaska, but we still don't have enough money to pay our debts and get out of here. I apologize for witholding our home address from you; I don't want to take any chances. You might still be angry at me, and I don't want Kohaku to know anything. But please, father, if you could help us out-even three to four hundred is fine-we'd be eternally grateful. You can sell some of my old things if you'd like. We just need enough to get us by-life has been so difficult for me._

_Love,  
Rin_

So I set out on the road with my gun, determined to kill this Kohaku, convinced he was the one who took Lolita away from me. I completely forgot about Kikyo and everything else the moment I read the note. I watched her smile in her sleep, convinced myself she was alright and left her side forever, leaving a note at her bedside table.

I was gonna win. As soon as I found a secluded little spot, I began rehearsing Kohaku's death, marveling at the image of his bloody corpse in my mind.

She didn't leave her address, but she did leave the name of the town she lived in, Coalmont, on the envelope. It was a small industrial town around eight hundred miles from New York City. I drove around for quite some time and ended up in a motor court room, and assumed that Kohaku must have been some sort of car salesman who offered Rin a ride that day when her bike blew a tire, and had gotten himself into some trouble.

I felt something running through my veins as I held my gun that day; a thrill that comes from knowing you hold someone else's life in the palm of your hands. It was power, pure power, and I decided that I loved the feeling of it.

That night I got dressed in the most expensive clothes I could find and polished my gun, envisioning my soon-to-be victory in my head.

And after asking almost everyone I came across if they knew of a Kohaku, a store informed me he lived at the last house on Hunter Road.

Kohaku. Prepare to die.

* * *

(A/N: In most movies, once the abuser is caught and/or the victim escapes, everything is happy from then on and the victim goes to some sort of wonderful foster/adoptive family and finds love. Real life usually isn't the same-Lo's situation in the book is more accurate as to the aftermath. Foster/adoptive homes aren't the peachy-keen, super-loving places the media makes them out to be, and the victim usually suffers for long, long after they escape. Some only truly escape in death. Meanwhile, many abusers get off the hook completely/do not get half of what they deserve while the victim that told on them is abducted from their homes, locked up in state institutions and thrown away as soon as they're of age. Like they say, no good deed goes unpunished.)


	19. Reunion

Rin is ashamed-no, I am ashamed. Dammit. I've gotta lose that habit-it's another piece of him embedded in me that I don't want.

And yet, I now have no choice but to turn to him for help. I am pathetic, but I can't just stand here and watch Kohaku struggle to try to support me.

His eyes widened a bit, the only sign of his shock as he took in my increased height, longer hair, glasses, and my large, round belly, making my pregnancy obvious. He hasn't really changed much.

"Is your husband at home?" He asked, his fist in his pocket.

The look in his eyes almost made me drop to my knees and cry. This man, he violated me, trapped me and used me...but he was my father. He was the one who took care of me and kept me alive for two to three years, and when you've been with someone for that long, a bond forms between the two of you that you cannot deny no matter how unhealthy the relationship was.

I looked in his eyes, and I asked myself if I could hate this man because of what he'd done to me, because he'd molested me.

No.

I don't hate him. I can't.

And by his stare, I can tell that he cannot hate me either, even though I deceived him and ran away from him. During those years, he came to see pieces of the person that I was that was a striking contrast to whatever image of me he had built in his mind. And I know that he isn't just an abuser-there's much more to an individual than their crimes, however bad they may be.

If not for the physical desires and abuse of the body, could we have seen each other for the human beings that we were and formed a solid relationship-a platonic, pure love devoid of anything carnal, the way that love should be?

Maybe. But we didn't, and time doesn't go backwards. It's too late for that.

"Come in." I said, keeping my cheerful mask on, flattening my stomach the best that I could. I closed the door, keeping the dog out, and had Sesshomaru follow me into the parlor. I pointed down the stairway. "Kohaku's down there."

His gaze followed my finger, and I felt a bit nervous as his eyes rested on my husband. A hint of something feral, something cruel flashed in his eyes briefly, and I sighed in relief when it disappeared.

"...That's not the person I'm looking for." said Sesshomaru, realizing something.

This confused me. Who had he been looking for? "Who?"

"Where is he?" He turned to look at me. "The man that signed you out of the hospital."

"Don't bring that up now."

"I just did." His glare is icy and strong as always.

My shield against it was not as strong as it used to be, as we'd been apart for two years, and I faltered and looked away. "Listen, Kohaku doesn't know a single thing about us, so please don't bring him into this. He thinks you're my father." I bit my lip, nervous. "Poor Kohaku. He thinks that I ran away from some rich family just to wash dishes in a diner. He'll believe almost anything, so please don't make this hard for me."

"His name." Sesshomaru cut me short.

That kind of startled me. "I thought you already knew. How can you not know it by now? It was Naraku."

Sesshomaru looked at me unmoving like he was frozen stiff and glued to the spot. His eyes weren't exactly on mine, and I could tell that he was contemplating how the hell he could've missed that.

"That Naraku. He was the only man I'd ever really been crazy about." I recalled.

"What about Kohaku?"

"Kohaku is a sweetie, and we're happy together." I assured. "But...I don't know, I'm talking about something different-an emotion more passionate."

He chuckled quietly. "And of course, I never counted, right?"

I sniffed. Of course he didn't. Did it take him that long to figure this out? Whatever affection I had for him disappeared and was replaced by disgust the minute he decided to use my body, under the illusion that I wouldn't figure anything out, trying to trick me. "Please, leave the past in the past. You were a decent father, okay?" Well, that was a lie.

He exhaled quietly. "Continue."

"Naraku knew my mother." I admitted. "He visited us sometimes while he came in town to see his uncle, Onigumo. He had the nerve to pull me onto his lap and kiss my cheek in a club in front of everyone one time when I was ten. Ooh, I hated him for that, but...from then on he kind of stuck with me." I shut my eyes. "He wrote the play that I starred in. I shouldn't have tricked you into believing he was a woman, but that was my only choice at the time. I had to escape."

There were shuffling sounds from the kitchen, and I guessed Kohaku had come in, searching for a beer.

"Hey, Kohaku! This is dad!" I called.

My husband dutifully walked into the room, and not even noticing the scrutinizing way in which Sesshomaru glared at him, reached his hand out for him to shake it, thinking this was just another instance where he had to impress a girl's father.

"There's a spare matress in the kitchen. Maybe we could bring that out?" Kohaku said, mistakenly thinking that Sesshomaru had come here to stay.

I shook my head gently at him. "No, he just dropped in on his way to see a friend."

Kohaku returned to the kitchen, still clueless. Sesshomaru dropped his gaze fom my husband, almost like he was ashamed for suspecting someone so naive and innocent.

"So, where did you go after you betrayed me?" asked Sesshomaru, prompting me to continue.

"I didn't betray you. I escaped a fate you forced on me against my will." I lit up a cigarette-yes, little Lo was now a smoker. "After I ran, Naraku took me to his ranch where I lived with his friends. God, that man is a genius. He was always smiling, always full of fun." I couldn't help but smirk, a bit at my fond memories. "He laughed when I told him about you and me. Said he suspected it."

"In September, he was gonna take me to Hollywood to try out for some tennis match scene in a movie that was based on a play of his. But...it never happened. He was a great guy, but also kind of weird. Him and all his friends were into the weirdest things when it came to sex! And me, I was in love with only him, so I refused to participate." I stifled another sad sigh. "And well, he threw me out."

"What weird things?" asked Sesshomaru.

"I'd rather not talk about that with the baby inside me right now." I patted my stomach proudly and exhaled the air from my cigarette. "Anyway, after he threw me out, I found jobs in restauraunts waiting tables, and eventually I met Kohaku. I don't know where he is now. Maybe in New York?"

I felt like some huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders, and I leaned back in my chair, contemplating. At the time, I thought Naraku was so much different from Sesshomaru. He was so much more open with his emotions and as an actress myself, I admired all the work he did.

But was he really?

Or was he just smarter with his seduction, and just more cunning and skilled at manipulation than Sesshomaru was?

"Lolita." Suddenly I heard him call me that again. The name I hadn't heard in years-my slave name. "Come with me."

I raised an eyebrow. Well, just one more time wouldn't be so bad, right? We needed the money. "You mean, to come with you to a motel?"

"No. I mean to leave Kohaku and come live with me."

I stared at him, my jaw dropped wide open. So not just once, but continued? No amount of money on Earth is worth that! He wants me to relive that torture again, the torture I'd worked all these years to be free from?

"You're crazy."

There is so much guilt in his eyes, and I knew that my previous deduction had been correct. Throughout the years, he'd come to see bits of me as a human being, and now he felt remorse and pity.

I could've just said yes, left this life where I had to work hard but had a good, loving, faithful husband and become his abused, brainwashed sex slave again.

But no.

I am stronger than that now, and I know where real value is-in the heart, not in money, and there is no amount of money that could make me leave the stability I'd found. I have self-worth now, a normal life where I am not under anyone's control and I am learning the value of being an independent woman working hard and seeing the fruit of her honest labor. I shook my head at him firmly-he needed to learn those values too.

He needed to stop chasing things of the flesh and learn to appreciate what actually matters in life, and stop destroying himself and those around him. The look in his eyes told me he'd gotten the message.

"Think it over, Lolita." The slave name again. "Anyway, you're still gonna get your money."

"What?"

He handed me an envelope with four hundred in cash, then got to writing a check for three thousand six hundred more. I couldn't believe it. What was he doing? And yet, I am in no position to turn it away.

"Wait." I grabbed his wrist as he started to walk away. "So you're just gonna give us four thousand and leave?"

"Don't touch me." He shrugged me away. "Don't touch me unless you plan to come with me."

"No. No." I had absolutely no doubt about that. "Naraku may have broken my heart but...you destroyed me life, stole my childhood and ruined my mind. I'll never be the same as long as I live. Do you...do you think that this is gonna redeem you or something? You really think you can make up for what you did by giving me money?"

He stared at a spot on the wall, thinking. "Whether it redeems me or not does not matter."

What was this? What was he saying? Did this mean that I was the bad guy all along, because he was willing to give me this money? Somehow I doubt it, though I know some sick people wouldn't be above saying that.

I wiped a tear that was falling from my right eye and put out my cigarette. This money would settle my problems. Kohaku wouldn't need to work so hard. The dog danced next to me for some reason, like it could sense my relief.

What made me happy, though, wasn't the money. It was the fact that he was able to take responsibility for his actions instead of pushing them away, denying them and trying to blame others-namely me.

"Goodbye." I said softly as I watched him drive away.

I have not only escaped, but I am free. Truly free.

* * *

(A/N: I'd like to note that even if Sesshomaru had ceased having sexual contact with Rin, it still wouldn't have been appropriate at all for her to go back to him. Even if "he isn't doing it anymore", the memories are still there, the feelings are still there, and the trauma is still there, and each others' presence only makes it worse. I've seen girls returned to their abusers under the promise that "it won't happen again", but even in the extremely, extremely rare case that something did change, just the abuser's presence there in her life was enough the scar the girl's mind and mess her up for the rest of her life.

And while it's a good thing that he can realize what he's done and take it like a man, I am sure you would agree that no amount of money can ever make up for sexual abuse/statutory rape. And while he, like anybody that's been with someone for a long time, has come to feel genuine care for Rin like any human being does for another, that definitely does not excuse him and he should get what's coming to him. And it DEFINITEY does not make him a "good guy" or a "victim", and does not make Rin the "villain" for escaping him.)


	20. Confrontation

The day I left Lolita, I cried for what felt like the first time in my life since I was a little boy. A single, lone tear escaped my eye and I hated myself for it. It was a disgusting sign of weakness that I loathed.

I kept Rin's story in mind and left to find Onigumo, but my car got stuck in a muddy ditch. So I waded four miles back to a roadside farm, waited, and a wrecker dragged my car out and I navigated back to the highway. I traveled until I got tired and pulled over in a random town to drink.

Wearily, I recalled the time when I met a priest in Quebec. He would sit and discuss the nature of sin with me to great lengths. I recalled his words, trying to comfort my conscience but found it impossible. How could my conscience rest now, when a maniac had robbed Rin of her childhood?

Sitting there in the downpour of rain in my car, I realized that because I was blinded by my lust for her, I never got a chance to get to know the person Rin was behind the image of Lolita.

Lolita.

There may never have been a Lolita if I had never been drawn to a certain pre-teen girl. And that girl would have went on to live a normal life, and never had to endure the pain I inflicted on her.

Lo-no, Rin. Rin, I remember that one time in Beardsley, you were watching one of the girls from school talk about school with her father. You remarked that the most terrible thing about dying is that from then on, you are completely on your own. Then I realized that while I had practically memorized your body, your smile and adorable qualities, I didn't know a single thing about your mind, your worries, your beliefs, or your fears.

Once one of your friends' fathers honked outside to signal that he'd come to pick his child up, and I invited him inside. Your friend drew closer to her father and perched on his knee, a simply platonic show of affection, and put her arms around her father's neck. You smiled at them while peeling some sort of fruit, but after seeing that you dropped the knife. After witnessing the ordinary, normal affection between parent and child, you burst into tears and ran out of the room.

You must miss your mother.

Even though you bickered and argued, your relationship with Sara was much more preferable to the life you had with me.

* * *

I returned to Ramsdale to visit the house I used to live in with Sara. It was now occupied by a new family with a nymphet daughter. She was around nine or ten, and I paid her a compliment as I noticed her while she was playing the piano. All I said was that she had nice eyes, but she retreated and a man that I presumed to be her father came out and glared at me.

At one point in my life, that would've angered me and I would have confronted him, but this time I just ignored him and left.

Then I drove to the downtown hotel where I had arrived around five years before, checked in and bathed. Going outside and sitting at the barroom, I noted that the hotel hadn't changed one bit. I reminisced on the days I shared with Sara and walked towards the lobby when suddenly, one of the women that were passing me by shouted my name in recognition. I made pointless conversation with her just to humor her and then went down to Totosai's office, which was only two blocks down from the hotel.

"Ah, Sesshomaru. I thought you were in California." He tried to shake my hand but I ignored him. "You used to live in Bearsley, right? My daughter just entered Beardsley College, you know."

After taking care of some legal business, I went to go see Onigumo, pretending to need dental work. However, my teeth were in perfect condition, so I told him I wanted to have all my teeth removed in order to alleviate facial neuralgia.

"Isn't that nephew of yours famous?" I said. "Where is he now?"

"I haven't spoken with Naraku in ages." He scratched his head. "But I think he should still be in Grimm Road on Pavor Manor, in Parkington in that house of his. But anyway, the operation will cost you around six hundred. Let me take mea-"

"-No, I changed my mind." I stopped him. "There is a better dentist that I'd like to see."

I immediately went home to find my gun. After acquiring directions to Grimm Road from a gas station attendant in Parkington, I found the wooden house and yet could not enter the house. I didn't have a plan, but I knew where he was, and I returned the next morning, my mind set.

Silence greeted me when I rang the doorbell. I knocked on the door; once again, silence. Frustrated, I simply pushed the front door open, and then closed it behind me softly. His house was like a maze with countless rooms that I stumbled into, trying to find my way. Finally he emerged from a bathroom, wearing his pajamas.

"Who are you?" He surveyed me, looking me up and down, smirking. "Don't you think it's rather rude to barge in my house without even knocking?"

I cocked my eyebrow. He knew who I was-the smile on his face said it all. "Do you remember a little girl? A girl named Rin?"

"Rin...? Rin, let's see, Rin." His eyes rolled to the ceiling as he tapped his chin in thought. "Maybe. Who cares?"

"I do. I happen to be her father, and she was my child."

He shook his head, sending locks of oily black hair flying around him. "I'm sorry, I don't recall. I'm actually very fond of children, and-" His eyes drifted to the weapon in my pocket. "Now that's a nice little gun you have."

"Naraku, you will die soon." I declared.

He wasn't listening. "-I'd like a smoke, now I need matches. Do you happen to have any matches on you?"

"You had your last smoke yesterday."

Having had enough, I pointed my gun at his foot and pulled the trigger as a warning shot.

He looked back and forth from the gun to his foot, eyes widened. "You need to be more careful with that thing! Here, give it to me."

The fool reached for the gun, and I pushed him back into the chair. "Why did you kidnap Rin?"

"I did not kidnap her. Look at you." He sneered. "I saved her from a monstrous pervert. It was a mistake anyway; I didn't have any fun with your little girl."

Naraku tackled me, I lost hold on the pistol and it went flying over us and landed under a chest of drawers. I shoved him back into his chair, but he rose again and tackled me while I tried to reach the gun. We wrestled on the floor, rolling all over each other like monkeys, but at last I regained posession of my gun and pinned Naraku down on his chair, hovering over him with the pistol to his face.

"Now look. You weren't an ideal stepfather to say the least, and I didn't force Rin to join me." he said. "She wanted a happier home. That was all, and you're making a big deal out of nothing. Now stop pointing your gun at me. We're both at the top of our games, and it'd be ridiculous to lose all that over nothing. What do you want? Money? Porn? I'll give it to you. I have a fucking three-breasted woman for crying out loud, you can have it all!"

I fired the gun again and hit the back of the rocking chair. Naraku took advantage of my distraction and ran into the music room and shut the door behind him. I did not have a key. As if to mock me, he played a litte bit of piano, and then I realized there was a key stuck in the lock. I shot him again on the side.

The music stopped abruptly as he threw his head back, crying out in pain. He clutched his side and scurried out into the hall, making me chase him to the front door. I fired at him three or four times as he walked up the steps, making him howl with every gunshot. He refused to die! Naraku still tried to escape, trudging around while bleeding, trying to find some way out. I fired one last bullet to his head.

We were in the bedroom. Even after this, he moved. Naraku wrapped himself up in bedsheets and lay back like he had created some sort of deathbed for himself.

Then at last he was quiet.

I did not feel at peace; instead, I felt even more burdened than before and I realized that I had better get out of there as soon as I could.

As I left, I saw people in the drawing room downstairs. They had been cheerfully socializing and drinking the whole time.

"Hey." I stopped to talk to them on my way out. "I just killed Naraku."

"That's great for you. Now get out." They didn't believe me.


	21. Afterword

The rest of the story is a blur.

I drove off and accidentally sped down the wrong side of the road, and after running a red light and driving into a meadow I got arrested. I didn't even care if Naraku was really dead or not. I just wanted to forget about the whole thing.

The real tragedy, I then recognized after all these years, was not that I had lost Lolita, but that Rin had been robbed of her childhood.

Because of my personal beliefs, I oppose execution. However I will accept thirty-five years in jail for rape. As for murder, I don't consider it a crime. I did society a favor by getting rid of Naraku.

Rin. If you get a chance to read this, live the rest of your life in peace. Love your baby and be the best mother you can be. Be true to your husband Kohaku. Don't talk to strangers. Kohaku better treat you well, because if he doesn't I will get him even from beyond the grave. And don't mourn Naraku, please. The world is better off without him. It is better that I live a little bit longer than him so that I have a chance to tell your tale. I am not going to sit here and beg or plead for your forgiveness. Rather, I am attempting to make peace with you so that you and I can both be immortalized through this story, your story.

Finally, please do not publish this memoir until Rin is no longer alive either so that neither one of us would have to suffer through whatever reaction the readers of this book may have.

* * *

_Note: Sesshomaru was found dead in his cell before his case got a chance to go to trial. Upon coming across this book, Rin supplied us with her old diaries, granting us her permission to use them alongside Sesshomaru's writing. Rin herself died of complications during a second pregnancy two years after Sesshomaru._


End file.
